Dear Internet: Time to Retire the Lolcats Meme

If you don’t know what Lolcats are then a.) welcome to the internet and b.) you’re not missing anything. Strangely, a lot of the internet thinks they are funny as hell and the greatest thing accomplished by a medium that can hold all the information in the world. That’s saying a lot. "What has unlimited knowledge for humankind produced?" you ask. Pictures of fucking cats with captions written like speech impediments matching the picture to produce something about as funny as Family Circus cartoons, as in not funny at all. It’s believed they originated where all stupid ideas come from, 4chan (good ideas come from there too, occasionally, but it's like playing Russian roulette with your sanity. Some images on there are best left unseen), so keep that in mind when thinking about this nonsense.

Everybody has that friend that talks to their pets in that weird, high-pitched, cutesy, voice like they are talking to a newborn child. Lolcats is the internet version of that only with less brain cells and the false belief that a goofy cat picture plus a poor grasp of the English language equals hilarious. This sounds like an idea Japan would come up with only Japan would take it to horrifying levels or at least make the cat 20 stories tall and fight Godzilla.

The thing is, cats aren’t as funny as their popularity would suggest. They can be funny from time to time but they are not “internet comedy sensation” worthy. Cats are egotistical, selfish, drama queens who act as if the universe revolves around them. Actually, that may be true of the fatter cats having actual gravitational pulls but the point stands. Cats are jerks. I have never met a cat that didn’t claw me for no reason whatsoever. Dogs on the other hand all love me and they are just as popular as cats but by internet standards, less funny. Some dogs love me to the point of love making with my leg. I know some say dogs hump other males to claim dominance but I think they just find me charming and sophisticated. And sexy. Dogs attracted to me is hilarious because I don't look anything like a dog but I will admit to kind of smelling like one after a trip to Taco Bell.

The text part of a Lolcat photo is the worst part. It is called lolspeak and it's only slightly more legible than leetspeak. I have grudgingly come to accepting some lolspeak like, well, “lol”, despite it playing a part in slowly turning the English language into something where evry wurd is speld pho-net-ik-ally or at least abbreviated. Lolcats has determined that if cats could talk, they would do so as if they have severe brain damage from eating too much mercury tainted tuna. Well, at least that is how kids start to talk after they drink the mercury inside a thermometer…maybe. I’m not a doctor.

Diagnosis: "You have a deadly infection. Oh sorry. U haz a dedley invecshun."

The popularity of Lolcats is the most astounding part. Comedy is subjective but people like Lolcats similar to the way they like cheese, they think it can be added to anything even when it slowly kills them on the inside and ruins their fish. I’ve seen Lolcats in newspaper comment sections, message boards devoted to My Little Pony (don’t ask how I know this), and on hockey blogs despite cats being near dead last in things that come to mind when you think of hockey, the Florida Panthers notwithstanding. They are so popular you can’t ignore them. At least bad TV shows are limited to certain stations and you need to make more of an effort to see a bad movie but not Lolcats. They are like bad music. Bad music is unavoidable as they exist in the background of restaurants and shops just like Lolcats exist in the comments and forums of many websites. They are as unavoidable as getting pissed on at R. Kelly’s house.

So I say Lolcats needs to be retired. Its run its course. Who is with me? Most internet memes would have died out by now. There is a reason the Rick Roll has faded away. It gets old. Lolcats was never funny and has passed the point of old. When the first Lolcat appeared on the internet in 2005, George W. Bush was starting the first year of his second term presidency, Star Wars Episode III was in theaters pussifying Darth Vader, Jack Johnson was inventing the crappy “white douchebag with acoustic guitar” genre of music and Myspace was still a thing.

The funniest thing to ever come from a cat related joke is “kitten mittons” anyway. I know that won’t stop Lolcat people from trying but it's futile. It's all been done. Time to move on too, say, spiders. They haven't gotten much of a comedy treatment and could really use the love.

"I just want to be loved. Oh sorry. I gust wan tu be luved."

Disclaimer: This article is satirical and I don't really give a shit about Lolcats. I promise my next article will not be on such a hack topic.

You can Follow me on Twitter if you like. Feel free to makes joke tweets about the Academy Awards with me. Contact me at jk47.foc@gmail.com

Celebrities that suck at stuff

                                                              Worst Cross over’s

                Sometimes when athletes, actors or musicians are at the apex or the twilight of their careers they decide to attempt a crossover. Be it an actress that tries to be a country singer or a Rapper that attempts to president of Haiti (Really, Wyclef?).  Maybe the person’s entourage tells them that their music is amazing, or maybe they get nominated for an Oscar and are like, “I’m going to make a fucking country album, how hard can that be?”  Now, let’s make fun of some people that took risks and tried new things.

Vote for Clef

                There are a bevy of juiced up jocks that try to master “the sweet language of angels.”  I don’t know of one athlete that has gotten close to creating a worthy album. Ever heard Shaq’s LP or John Daily’s country album? They are atrocious; but, neither are as hideous as Carl Lewis’s “Break it up.”  I love Carl Lewis; the man has 19 gold medals. He is one of the best athletes to ever come out of the red white and blue’s womb. Have you ever been kicked in the nuts and the only thing getting you thru the pain was knowing it’s going to be over soon, well this video is like that.  After watching it I was so embarrassed for Carl, I couldn’t make eye contact with other humans for eight days.  I just rolled up in the fetal position and cried. It’s painful, but please watch until the end of the video and, explain to me what the fuck is going on.

                 Mos Def, Justin Timberlake and Marky Mark all are decent actors. Have you seen Marky Mark in the Departed?  My boy’s got mad acting skills. Some musicians can act but, for the most part they suck at it.  Louise Veronica Ciccone, aka Madonna, makes that chick from twilight look like Judy Dench.  I know what some of you are thinking, “Aww, Madonna won a gold globe in Evita.” First, I want to start by telling you to go fuck yourself.  Second, she appeared in six movies from 1980 to 1991 where her acting was so atrocious that it makes that  golden globe null and void. However, there is one pop star that stands out.  In 1991, the movie “Cool as Ice” came out.  It’s a rap oriented re-make of "Rebel Without a Cause," starring Vanilla Ice.  A lot of you just rolled your eyes back and uttered, “shit I remember that.”  If you are one of the people lucky enough to be born before 1983, you know of what I speak. If you haven’t seen it…well I just watched it and half way thru I broke a beer bottle in-half, ran across the room screaming, and stabbed my TV for 20 minutes.

                Now it’s time for my favorite crossover, Actors that put out music. Jared Leto from 30 Seconds To Mars made an ok crossover.  There are three actors that come to mind when I think of bad celebrity albums.  Russell Crowe: it’s just plain awful.  Steven Segal’s “Songs from The Crystal Cave” album includes a wonderful reggae track where he expresses “Me want the poonani, see for make nice.” That’s right ladies Stevey has a hankering  for your poonani’s. Then I came across a rare piece of music entitled “De-Pressed” written by Cory Feldman.  Cory has put out four albums, and I have no clue how.  I have listened to all four albums. Words can’t describe how shity they are.  The lyrics sound like some 8^th grade girl wrote them.  He puts a saxophone solo in every other song to add some maturity and class; because, nothing says class like a sax solo in a rap-rock song about Michael Jackson molesting you. To top it all off he can’t sing, it just sounds like Michelangelo from the ninja turtles screaming over a symphony of cats getting sodomized by rakes. God took the wrong Cory!  With all that being said, I highly recommend it.  I have his song, “Soul Search part3” as my ringtone.

 

Virtual Reality Sex (It would suck).

All I really want is a real life Star Trek Holodeck. Is that so much to ask? A fully submersive virtual reality where anything, and I mean anything, is possible. It would be the greatest invention the world has ever known. Who wouldn’t want to spend an afternoon fighting ninjas, shooting robots with lasers, eating mushrooms with Mario, getting drunk with Frank Sinatra and boning Anne Hathaway on top of Mount Everest while simultaneously playing the ass kickingist guitar solo the world has ever heard? Nobody, that’s who!

In the 1980’s and 90’s, as technology pushed onward full steam ahead, a future full of awesome Holodecks seemed possible. Computers were getting faster processors and larger hard drives for all that porn slowly downloaded from dial-up modems. Video game systems were fighting a proxy war via plumbers and hedgehogs which no prophets predicted. CGI was making it’s debut in the theaters in movies like Terminator 2 and Jurassic Park which impressed some film makers so much that they decided CGI is the only thing needed to compensate for awful, awful storytelling. It was only natural to wonder what was the next step but the consensus goal came down to one thing; virtual reality.

This does not help the goofy nerd stereotype.

Virtual reality was the most hyped future advancement during those decades. Flying cars, bionic body parts, space travel, and fucking hoverboards all came second to VR (and ignoring hoverboards should be deemed a crime against humanity). Tech companies played around with all sorts of headsets and other peripherals to achieve a fully submersive 3-D environment in which somebody can live out their disgusting fantasies. It wasn’t just about trying to achieve realistic 3-D environments you could see but actually be a part of, kind of like combining a 3-D movie with a video game. Basically it’s Scott Pilgrim vs. The World except the always awkward Michael Cera is not awkwardly turning Scott Pilgrim into a much more awkward character than he is supposed to be. Instead, you get to play Scott Pilgrim. It should be noted, Mary Elizabeth Winstead can stay on as my Ramona though. She can “stay on” my anything.

Do the carpets match the drapes?

While investors where looking to put virtual reality in all kinds of fields, the general public only really cared about it’s uses for entertainment. The questions consumers ask about new technology are: “How do I have sex with it?” and “Will it judge me for the things I use it for?” So it should come as no surprise when many people thought virtual reality would be a knock out for sex when sex with anybody would be possible in theory.

Than people saw Demolition Man.

All cops in the future will look like this.

In the 1993 movie, there is a scene between Sylvester Stallone and Sandra Bullock in which they engage in the lamest sex scene of all time via virtual reality headsets. Bullock seems to get a kick out of it because it’s all she’s ever known but Stallone is confused and a little angry. That may not be a fair assessment however as all of Stallone’s characters always comes off as “a little angry” but the point stands.

It would be fine if it was replacing porn but in this scenario the VR replaces a willing participant making the device unnecessary. Why anybody would think this is an upgrade is a little too obsessed with technology, not to mention in Demolition Man the woman happens to be Sandra Bullock. Hell, I’m amazed Sylvester Stallone didn’t go all Rambo on the offices of whatever company made the VR sets when he was cheated out of sex with Bullock. His boner would have to be classified as a lethal weapon.

The movie gave people the impression that VR will never be real enough. They want VR sex to be as real as possible because they can’t get the real Anne Hathaway, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Sandra Bullock or whoever. VR is limited to simply being 3-D porn and having to slay the crotch dragon by yourself for any physical stimulation.

In remembrance of the slain crotch dragon. It was gracious in defeat.

Virtual reality can’t reproduce the “physical” aspect of sex no matter how hard they try. (Wait, something with electrodes. Yeah, electrodes attached to your junk! That might work. Don’t knock it till you tried it!) Besides, how physically real would you want it to be if you use the VR to fight alien ninja’s and take a katana to the midsection? How physically real would you want it to be when you are fighting a demon when it possesses you and turns you into the Crypt Keeper? How real do you want your creepy furry sex when you contract a rare disease that normally only rabbits get? It can’t be real enough for sex, but for other fantasies there is a limit to how real it should be.

Plan B, a hat made out of fantasies and the tears of children.

But I guess virtual reality’s offspring known as modern 3-D is good enough for most people. Nobody really cares about the fully submersive virtual reality anymore and the argument that VR sex would suck played a large part. Luckily, we have Japan’s booming sex robot market to fill the void of virtual sex. Sure, the robot is mostly a glorified blow up doll and sure, it’s cold, lifeless eyes will haunt your nightmares until you need years of therapy, but at least it’s physical. It’s worth it even when you go to the doctor to describe your urinating as a painful electric discharge. Just tell the doctor how awesome the sex with your robot girlfriend is and he or she will totally understand.

But as for the aforementioned Holodeck, it’s only a pipe dream right now. I’m not bitter (yes I am) and have come to accept this (no I haven’t).



Disclaimer: This article is satirical and not to be taken seriously. I do not own a Japanese robot girlfriend but can't help being a little curious.

Ramona is a character from Scott Pilgrim vs. The World. The film is owned by Universal. Demolition Man is owned by Warner Bros.

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