Dear Internet: Time to Retire the Lolcats Meme

If you don’t know what Lolcats are then a.) welcome to the internet and b.) you’re not missing anything. Strangely, a lot of the internet thinks they are funny as hell and the greatest thing accomplished by a medium that can hold all the information in the world. That’s saying a lot. "What has unlimited knowledge for humankind produced?" you ask. Pictures of fucking cats with captions written like speech impediments matching the picture to produce something about as funny as Family Circus cartoons, as in not funny at all. It’s believed they originated where all stupid ideas come from, 4chan (good ideas come from there too, occasionally, but it's like playing Russian roulette with your sanity. Some images on there are best left unseen), so keep that in mind when thinking about this nonsense.

Everybody has that friend that talks to their pets in that weird, high-pitched, cutesy, voice like they are talking to a newborn child. Lolcats is the internet version of that only with less brain cells and the false belief that a goofy cat picture plus a poor grasp of the English language equals hilarious. This sounds like an idea Japan would come up with only Japan would take it to horrifying levels or at least make the cat 20 stories tall and fight Godzilla.

The thing is, cats aren’t as funny as their popularity would suggest. They can be funny from time to time but they are not “internet comedy sensation” worthy. Cats are egotistical, selfish, drama queens who act as if the universe revolves around them. Actually, that may be true of the fatter cats having actual gravitational pulls but the point stands. Cats are jerks. I have never met a cat that didn’t claw me for no reason whatsoever. Dogs on the other hand all love me and they are just as popular as cats but by internet standards, less funny. Some dogs love me to the point of love making with my leg. I know some say dogs hump other males to claim dominance but I think they just find me charming and sophisticated. And sexy. Dogs attracted to me is hilarious because I don't look anything like a dog but I will admit to kind of smelling like one after a trip to Taco Bell.

The text part of a Lolcat photo is the worst part. It is called lolspeak and it's only slightly more legible than leetspeak. I have grudgingly come to accepting some lolspeak like, well, “lol”, despite it playing a part in slowly turning the English language into something where evry wurd is speld pho-net-ik-ally or at least abbreviated. Lolcats has determined that if cats could talk, they would do so as if they have severe brain damage from eating too much mercury tainted tuna. Well, at least that is how kids start to talk after they drink the mercury inside a thermometer…maybe. I’m not a doctor.

Diagnosis: "You have a deadly infection. Oh sorry. U haz a dedley invecshun."

The popularity of Lolcats is the most astounding part. Comedy is subjective but people like Lolcats similar to the way they like cheese, they think it can be added to anything even when it slowly kills them on the inside and ruins their fish. I’ve seen Lolcats in newspaper comment sections, message boards devoted to My Little Pony (don’t ask how I know this), and on hockey blogs despite cats being near dead last in things that come to mind when you think of hockey, the Florida Panthers notwithstanding. They are so popular you can’t ignore them. At least bad TV shows are limited to certain stations and you need to make more of an effort to see a bad movie but not Lolcats. They are like bad music. Bad music is unavoidable as they exist in the background of restaurants and shops just like Lolcats exist in the comments and forums of many websites. They are as unavoidable as getting pissed on at R. Kelly’s house.

So I say Lolcats needs to be retired. Its run its course. Who is with me? Most internet memes would have died out by now. There is a reason the Rick Roll has faded away. It gets old. Lolcats was never funny and has passed the point of old. When the first Lolcat appeared on the internet in 2005, George W. Bush was starting the first year of his second term presidency, Star Wars Episode III was in theaters pussifying Darth Vader, Jack Johnson was inventing the crappy “white douchebag with acoustic guitar” genre of music and Myspace was still a thing.

The funniest thing to ever come from a cat related joke is “kitten mittons” anyway. I know that won’t stop Lolcat people from trying but it's futile. It's all been done. Time to move on too, say, spiders. They haven't gotten much of a comedy treatment and could really use the love.

"I just want to be loved. Oh sorry. I gust wan tu be luved."

Disclaimer: This article is satirical and I don't really give a shit about Lolcats. I promise my next article will not be on such a hack topic.

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