4 Stupid Criminals Who Are Incredibly Ballsy

There is little argument about the stupidity and/or insanity of many criminals but one thing that is often ignored is the gargantuan balls criminals have to do some of the things they do. For example…

"I'm High on Cocaine!"

“When Tony Deloach crashed into a parked car he forgot about the cocaine-laced rolled bill in his Camaro until an officer found it. Deloach then screamed "I'm high on cocaine!" and tried fleeing on foot. He didn't get far.”

Well done. You got straight to the point by skipping the inevitable police question of “have you been using any illegal substances tonight?” That’s ballsy. Also, crazy. A battle cry like “I’m high on cocaine!” might scare some people but not when you start running in the other direction. Besides, with police involved, that profound statement may lead to the most hilarious chase sequence since Benny Hill decided to use chase sequences so much that they would be the only thing anybody thinks about when remembering Benny Hill. Not in this case however as you were already handcuffed and I don’t think Houdini did his amazing escapes while on drugs. Although if Houdini was on drugs during his shows, then sir, you are no escape artist. You’re more like a Rick James impersonator.

FYI - "He was just trying to buy the drink and got confused" does not hold up in court.

18,000 Prank 911 Calls

“An East Los Angeles man who allegedly made more than 18,000 prank 911 cellphone calls over six months was arrested Friday, the California Highway Patrol said.”

I see. The old “deactivated cell phone” trick so the cops can’t get the phone number or locate you. Smart. Too bad the rest of this story is idiotic, but gutsy still. 18,000 calls to anybody in a 6 month time frame is devotion sir. How the cops let it get to 18,000 calls is amazing in and of itself too but somebody has to test their resolve. Too bad you got caught by the California Highway Patrol though. Everybody knows the LAPD is the way to go if you really want to get your name out there.

The story does not say why you made these prank calls but I can only assume you are either a mind reader or from the future. If you’re a psychic, every sick and twisted thing you hear another person think makes you call 911 even when some of those things, like somebody imagining they are the Terminator while going on a violent rampage without an Austrian accent, is not plausible. Everybody knows the Austrian accent is a must. However, if you’re from the future, you are doing society a big favor by calling in every crime as it happens no matter how small the crime is. The police appreciate all the help catching those jaywalkers and their blight on human society. I'm sure they have nothing better to do.

Chicken Pisser.

"Police arrested a man who allegedly caused quite a disturbance earlier this week when he urinated on food inside a Kroger grocery store in North Little Rock, Ark."

Yeah! Fuck chickens! Who cares if they are already dead (or, at least I assume it’s a “they”. How else do you piss on $500 worth of chicken)? Those flightless birds have been mocking mankind for way too long by continuing to live for a minute or so after their heads have been chopped off. It's obviously some sort of witchcraft. Colonel Sanders was a well known practitioner of dark magic after all. source needed

Bonus points for doing this directly in the grocery store too. You don’t waste time. I know the store employees may frown upon this but somebody has to send a message to chickens everywhere that humans will not just fly the coop when the inevitable human-chicken war begins. Also, you are probably going to be registered as a sex offender now since you whipped your junk out in public. I’m sure people will not jump to any conclusions when they see your name on a sex offender map though. Just kidding. You’re fucked. That shit is never coming off your record.

Demon chicken will not accept this disrespect to his corpse

Burglary Nap

"A Malaysian court has slapped a five-year prison sentence on a burglar who was found sleeping in a house he broke into."

I can’t help but feel you're being a little unoriginal here although this feels classic. Nothing says, “I straight up don’t give a fuck” than taking a nap during your crime. That’s hardcore considering Malaysia doesn't fuck around when it comes to punishment. I’m amazed they didn’t execute you, not for burglary, but for being so brash about your crime.

I don’t know what your logic was while stealing and deciding something along the lines of "This is hard work. I have plenty of time for a nap." but I refuse to believe you thought that. I believe you valiantly threw two middle fingers into the air to the authorities by mocking their ability to arrest you with a well deserved break. You take inspiration from Thoreau except you were not imprisoned for a noble cause like ending slavery, so…wait, you’re nothing like Thoreau. You’re that guy who, while committing a crime, immediately forgets they are committing said crime. This is why your application to join Oceans 14 was denied. George Clooney would have left you sleeping at a bus stop.

Disclaimer: This article is satirical. Crime isn't worth it unless you're a super rich CEO. Chicken is too delicious to be feared.

You can Follow me on Twitter if you like. Contact me at jk47.foc@gmail.com