Common Types of Super Bowl Viewers

Last years Super Bowl had more than 106 million viewers. It’s the most important game of the NFL season and every NFL fan tunes in. But the game has become such an event, even people who don’t watch a lot of football will watch this game. I've taken it upon myself to point out these types of people so they don't ruin the game for you.

The “My friends, brothers, wife likes team X and so do I” person

This person cheers loudly for every unspectacular successful play for their team while boos mercilessly after every play against. They usually know who the quarterback is…but nobody else on the team. They might wear a jersey or some other kind of paraphernalia which they won’t wear ever again. Hard person to try to talk too as everything about them screams fake. If their team loses, they won’t ever watch the team again. If their team wins, they won’t ever watch the team again.

I bet this guy couldn't name one blind referee.

The “I’m only here to watch the commercials” person

They are glued to the TV for every timeout but don’t bother to watch the actual game. In order for them to get their fulfillment, they hush everybody else to make sure they can hear the commercials and become indignant if you try to persist with a conversation during them. Once the game resumes, they will dissect the intricacies of the commercials to somebody who probably doesn’t give a shit. Not surprisingly, many of these people went to film school or lied about going to film school. Typically not found in a bar so that is your best bet if you want to stay away from them

The “I bet on everything in this game” person

The gambling addict has money on every little thing you can possibly bet on in Las Vegas. They make sure to let everybody know they won $50 at the end of the first quarter because the game is tied at 3 or because there was exactly 3 sacks in the game so far. When they lose they are much more quiet. You can tell when they are losing as they begin to drink more and withdraw from the rest of your group. If things really go south, you might just be able to catch them crying in the bathroom by the end of the game or offering to sell you their shit.

"Norwegian Slot Machine? Ah fuck it. Put me in for fifty."

The “I’m in an office pool” person

Similar to the gambling addict above but more annoying. They only have $20 riding on the game. This person often has a nearly impossible score to achieve in order to win. They will root for one of the teams to score a field goal and a safety, but no more than that by halftime. Also, they will complain when the coach refuses to go for a meaningless 2 point conversion because they had the bad luck of having an 8. Its rare when they win but if they do, expect some over exuberant celebrations.

The party girl

She never turns down a reason to get really, really, drunk and hit on a every guy in the building. They’re very annoying and sad. Some willing guy, enticed by her sexual advances, may end up with her. 20 minutes later he will find himself holding her hair as she vomits and cries into a shinning porcelain bowl filled with regret. She is most annoying if you are watching the game in a bar as her high pitched laughs and squeals pierce the air like a harpy. Good luck hearing anything from the game.

Good Idea: Not sleeping with her. Bad Idea: Typing "Drunk Party Girl" in Google image search.

The “I like football but not this type of football” person

Not all that common but they sure do stick out. They may arrive to the Super Bowl party wearing a Manchester United jersey and carrying a six pack of Guinness. Good beer taste aside, they will spend much of the game comparing football with soccer which they will call football. The name of the sport will actually be half of the conversation. For the rest of the conversation, they will point out how football players stand around an awful lot while football players run for 90 minutes straight. Hopefully this doesn’t happen in a bar because the conversation always turns to faces hitting fists the first time somebody calls it futbol.

The expert

Have an opinion about the game? Well you’re wrong according to this person who is almost always a man. They will give you detailed reasons why Pittsburg should be 6 point favorites, why Green Bay usually blitzes on 3rd and long but won’t during this game, and why the Patriots should be in the Super Bowl instead. Complaints about the broadcasting team run rampant from him and he will quote other so called experts on why they are right or wrong. They let you know their predictions before the game starts and will endlessly gloat their superior knowledge if they end up right. He is usually wrong though and will have a plenty of reasons why his prediction was wrong typically consisting of the coach being an idiot.

Basically the same type of expert

Disclaimer: This column is satirical and not meant to be taken seriously. Any likeness to persons dead or alive is on purpose. You should probably change.

Follow me on Twitter if you're in to that sort of thing.