4 Stupid Criminals Who Are Incredibly Ballsy

There is little argument about the stupidity and/or insanity of many criminals but one thing that is often ignored is the gargantuan balls criminals have to do some of the things they do. For example…

"I'm High on Cocaine!"

“When Tony Deloach crashed into a parked car he forgot about the cocaine-laced rolled bill in his Camaro until an officer found it. Deloach then screamed "I'm high on cocaine!" and tried fleeing on foot. He didn't get far.”

Well done. You got straight to the point by skipping the inevitable police question of “have you been using any illegal substances tonight?” That’s ballsy. Also, crazy. A battle cry like “I’m high on cocaine!” might scare some people but not when you start running in the other direction. Besides, with police involved, that profound statement may lead to the most hilarious chase sequence since Benny Hill decided to use chase sequences so much that they would be the only thing anybody thinks about when remembering Benny Hill. Not in this case however as you were already handcuffed and I don’t think Houdini did his amazing escapes while on drugs. Although if Houdini was on drugs during his shows, then sir, you are no escape artist. You’re more like a Rick James impersonator.

FYI - "He was just trying to buy the drink and got confused" does not hold up in court.

18,000 Prank 911 Calls

“An East Los Angeles man who allegedly made more than 18,000 prank 911 cellphone calls over six months was arrested Friday, the California Highway Patrol said.”

I see. The old “deactivated cell phone” trick so the cops can’t get the phone number or locate you. Smart. Too bad the rest of this story is idiotic, but gutsy still. 18,000 calls to anybody in a 6 month time frame is devotion sir. How the cops let it get to 18,000 calls is amazing in and of itself too but somebody has to test their resolve. Too bad you got caught by the California Highway Patrol though. Everybody knows the LAPD is the way to go if you really want to get your name out there.

The story does not say why you made these prank calls but I can only assume you are either a mind reader or from the future. If you’re a psychic, every sick and twisted thing you hear another person think makes you call 911 even when some of those things, like somebody imagining they are the Terminator while going on a violent rampage without an Austrian accent, is not plausible. Everybody knows the Austrian accent is a must. However, if you’re from the future, you are doing society a big favor by calling in every crime as it happens no matter how small the crime is. The police appreciate all the help catching those jaywalkers and their blight on human society. I'm sure they have nothing better to do.

Chicken Pisser.

"Police arrested a man who allegedly caused quite a disturbance earlier this week when he urinated on food inside a Kroger grocery store in North Little Rock, Ark."

Yeah! Fuck chickens! Who cares if they are already dead (or, at least I assume it’s a “they”. How else do you piss on $500 worth of chicken)? Those flightless birds have been mocking mankind for way too long by continuing to live for a minute or so after their heads have been chopped off. It's obviously some sort of witchcraft. Colonel Sanders was a well known practitioner of dark magic after all. source needed

Bonus points for doing this directly in the grocery store too. You don’t waste time. I know the store employees may frown upon this but somebody has to send a message to chickens everywhere that humans will not just fly the coop when the inevitable human-chicken war begins. Also, you are probably going to be registered as a sex offender now since you whipped your junk out in public. I’m sure people will not jump to any conclusions when they see your name on a sex offender map though. Just kidding. You’re fucked. That shit is never coming off your record.

Demon chicken will not accept this disrespect to his corpse

Burglary Nap

"A Malaysian court has slapped a five-year prison sentence on a burglar who was found sleeping in a house he broke into."

I can’t help but feel you're being a little unoriginal here although this feels classic. Nothing says, “I straight up don’t give a fuck” than taking a nap during your crime. That’s hardcore considering Malaysia doesn't fuck around when it comes to punishment. I’m amazed they didn’t execute you, not for burglary, but for being so brash about your crime.

I don’t know what your logic was while stealing and deciding something along the lines of "This is hard work. I have plenty of time for a nap." but I refuse to believe you thought that. I believe you valiantly threw two middle fingers into the air to the authorities by mocking their ability to arrest you with a well deserved break. You take inspiration from Thoreau except you were not imprisoned for a noble cause like ending slavery, so…wait, you’re nothing like Thoreau. You’re that guy who, while committing a crime, immediately forgets they are committing said crime. This is why your application to join Oceans 14 was denied. George Clooney would have left you sleeping at a bus stop.

Disclaimer: This article is satirical. Crime isn't worth it unless you're a super rich CEO. Chicken is too delicious to be feared.

You can Follow me on Twitter if you like. Contact me at jk47.foc@gmail.com

Dear Internet: Time to Retire the Lolcats Meme

If you don’t know what Lolcats are then a.) welcome to the internet and b.) you’re not missing anything. Strangely, a lot of the internet thinks they are funny as hell and the greatest thing accomplished by a medium that can hold all the information in the world. That’s saying a lot. "What has unlimited knowledge for humankind produced?" you ask. Pictures of fucking cats with captions written like speech impediments matching the picture to produce something about as funny as Family Circus cartoons, as in not funny at all. It’s believed they originated where all stupid ideas come from, 4chan (good ideas come from there too, occasionally, but it's like playing Russian roulette with your sanity. Some images on there are best left unseen), so keep that in mind when thinking about this nonsense.

Everybody has that friend that talks to their pets in that weird, high-pitched, cutesy, voice like they are talking to a newborn child. Lolcats is the internet version of that only with less brain cells and the false belief that a goofy cat picture plus a poor grasp of the English language equals hilarious. This sounds like an idea Japan would come up with only Japan would take it to horrifying levels or at least make the cat 20 stories tall and fight Godzilla.

The thing is, cats aren’t as funny as their popularity would suggest. They can be funny from time to time but they are not “internet comedy sensation” worthy. Cats are egotistical, selfish, drama queens who act as if the universe revolves around them. Actually, that may be true of the fatter cats having actual gravitational pulls but the point stands. Cats are jerks. I have never met a cat that didn’t claw me for no reason whatsoever. Dogs on the other hand all love me and they are just as popular as cats but by internet standards, less funny. Some dogs love me to the point of love making with my leg. I know some say dogs hump other males to claim dominance but I think they just find me charming and sophisticated. And sexy. Dogs attracted to me is hilarious because I don't look anything like a dog but I will admit to kind of smelling like one after a trip to Taco Bell.

The text part of a Lolcat photo is the worst part. It is called lolspeak and it's only slightly more legible than leetspeak. I have grudgingly come to accepting some lolspeak like, well, “lol”, despite it playing a part in slowly turning the English language into something where evry wurd is speld pho-net-ik-ally or at least abbreviated. Lolcats has determined that if cats could talk, they would do so as if they have severe brain damage from eating too much mercury tainted tuna. Well, at least that is how kids start to talk after they drink the mercury inside a thermometer…maybe. I’m not a doctor.

Diagnosis: "You have a deadly infection. Oh sorry. U haz a dedley invecshun."

The popularity of Lolcats is the most astounding part. Comedy is subjective but people like Lolcats similar to the way they like cheese, they think it can be added to anything even when it slowly kills them on the inside and ruins their fish. I’ve seen Lolcats in newspaper comment sections, message boards devoted to My Little Pony (don’t ask how I know this), and on hockey blogs despite cats being near dead last in things that come to mind when you think of hockey, the Florida Panthers notwithstanding. They are so popular you can’t ignore them. At least bad TV shows are limited to certain stations and you need to make more of an effort to see a bad movie but not Lolcats. They are like bad music. Bad music is unavoidable as they exist in the background of restaurants and shops just like Lolcats exist in the comments and forums of many websites. They are as unavoidable as getting pissed on at R. Kelly’s house.

So I say Lolcats needs to be retired. Its run its course. Who is with me? Most internet memes would have died out by now. There is a reason the Rick Roll has faded away. It gets old. Lolcats was never funny and has passed the point of old. When the first Lolcat appeared on the internet in 2005, George W. Bush was starting the first year of his second term presidency, Star Wars Episode III was in theaters pussifying Darth Vader, Jack Johnson was inventing the crappy “white douchebag with acoustic guitar” genre of music and Myspace was still a thing.

The funniest thing to ever come from a cat related joke is “kitten mittons” anyway. I know that won’t stop Lolcat people from trying but it's futile. It's all been done. Time to move on too, say, spiders. They haven't gotten much of a comedy treatment and could really use the love.

"I just want to be loved. Oh sorry. I gust wan tu be luved."

Disclaimer: This article is satirical and I don't really give a shit about Lolcats. I promise my next article will not be on such a hack topic.

You can Follow me on Twitter if you like. Feel free to makes joke tweets about the Academy Awards with me. Contact me at jk47.foc@gmail.com

Celebrities that suck at stuff

                                                              Worst Cross over’s

                Sometimes when athletes, actors or musicians are at the apex or the twilight of their careers they decide to attempt a crossover. Be it an actress that tries to be a country singer or a Rapper that attempts to president of Haiti (Really, Wyclef?).  Maybe the person’s entourage tells them that their music is amazing, or maybe they get nominated for an Oscar and are like, “I’m going to make a fucking country album, how hard can that be?”  Now, let’s make fun of some people that took risks and tried new things.

Vote for Clef

                There are a bevy of juiced up jocks that try to master “the sweet language of angels.”  I don’t know of one athlete that has gotten close to creating a worthy album. Ever heard Shaq’s LP or John Daily’s country album? They are atrocious; but, neither are as hideous as Carl Lewis’s “Break it up.”  I love Carl Lewis; the man has 19 gold medals. He is one of the best athletes to ever come out of the red white and blue’s womb. Have you ever been kicked in the nuts and the only thing getting you thru the pain was knowing it’s going to be over soon, well this video is like that.  After watching it I was so embarrassed for Carl, I couldn’t make eye contact with other humans for eight days.  I just rolled up in the fetal position and cried. It’s painful, but please watch until the end of the video and, explain to me what the fuck is going on.

                 Mos Def, Justin Timberlake and Marky Mark all are decent actors. Have you seen Marky Mark in the Departed?  My boy’s got mad acting skills. Some musicians can act but, for the most part they suck at it.  Louise Veronica Ciccone, aka Madonna, makes that chick from twilight look like Judy Dench.  I know what some of you are thinking, “Aww, Madonna won a gold globe in Evita.” First, I want to start by telling you to go fuck yourself.  Second, she appeared in six movies from 1980 to 1991 where her acting was so atrocious that it makes that  golden globe null and void. However, there is one pop star that stands out.  In 1991, the movie “Cool as Ice” came out.  It’s a rap oriented re-make of "Rebel Without a Cause," starring Vanilla Ice.  A lot of you just rolled your eyes back and uttered, “shit I remember that.”  If you are one of the people lucky enough to be born before 1983, you know of what I speak. If you haven’t seen it…well I just watched it and half way thru I broke a beer bottle in-half, ran across the room screaming, and stabbed my TV for 20 minutes.

                Now it’s time for my favorite crossover, Actors that put out music. Jared Leto from 30 Seconds To Mars made an ok crossover.  There are three actors that come to mind when I think of bad celebrity albums.  Russell Crowe: it’s just plain awful.  Steven Segal’s “Songs from The Crystal Cave” album includes a wonderful reggae track where he expresses “Me want the poonani, see for make nice.” That’s right ladies Stevey has a hankering  for your poonani’s. Then I came across a rare piece of music entitled “De-Pressed” written by Cory Feldman.  Cory has put out four albums, and I have no clue how.  I have listened to all four albums. Words can’t describe how shity they are.  The lyrics sound like some 8^th grade girl wrote them.  He puts a saxophone solo in every other song to add some maturity and class; because, nothing says class like a sax solo in a rap-rock song about Michael Jackson molesting you. To top it all off he can’t sing, it just sounds like Michelangelo from the ninja turtles screaming over a symphony of cats getting sodomized by rakes. God took the wrong Cory!  With all that being said, I highly recommend it.  I have his song, “Soul Search part3” as my ringtone.