Why TLC is the Worst Channel on Television, Part 3

The executives of TLC have no line they wont cross. In this, the finale of my TLC trilogy, the worst of the TV shows are looked at. The children, oh god, the children.

TLC executives: "Children ahead! Film them!"

Outrageous Kid Parties.

Pop quiz! You have a 6 year old daughter and $32,000 to blow. Do you, A. put that money away to start a college fund, B. blow it all on her birthday party or C. buy cocaine and hookers for your own birthday party?

Answer D, show off wads of cash to friends.

Most people probably answered A. Some may have answered C, which they will soon regret when they contract an STD medical science thought only existed in Armadillos. But TLC’s Outrageous Kid Parties is all about the people who would choose answer B, thus teaching their kids that answer C, blowing a shit ton of money on bad decisions, is what is important later in life. Besides, we all know how well 6 year old kids know the value of a dollar.

It’s like these parents have decided to not be parents the rest of the year and spend all their time figuring out if they can sue Trojan for the broken condom. Kids don’t need extravagant parties to have a good birthday. They only need two things for their birthday. Presents and a rented bouncy house. Many kids might be happy with just the presents. Some might be happy with just the rented bouncy house. Adults would certainly be happy with just the bouncy house. I am pro bouncy house birthdays and events. More funding should be put into bouncy house cures for cancer. “Bouncy Houses for All” should be a presidential platform. We would have world peace if everybody had a bouncy house. Bouncy houses…fucking bouncy houses!

Ahem. Sorry. Give me a second, that’s all I can think about now.

All of my dreams. All of them.

Anyway, this might be the first show TLC has actually been ashamed of because I can’t find it anywhere on their website. They are hiding it like it’s drug money that the TLC executives forgot to launder. It’s not even in their past shows section. I know it existed. There are many articles about it. But maybe, just maybe, with the economy the way it is and most people not having a lot of money right now, airing a TV show about spoiled brats getting spoiled brat things is not a good idea.

Even if the economy was better, the show would still be a bad idea considering that whole cost of college thing. I can assume the parents are rich enough to not worry about that but what if they lose their job (jobs)? You know, because that doesn’t happen much recently. Plus, they might wish they had that money back when they need to pay for all the counseling when their kids grow up to resent their parents after finding out the real world, depending on if they develop an addiction to angel dust, isn’t all princesses and ponies.

Granted, they probably won’t resent their parents as much as these next kids.

Toddlers and Tiaras

In an era of Jersey Shore, Real Housewives of Various Cities, and whatever self parody VH1 has turned itself into, this show is easily the worst. This is a reality show where very young girls, and some boys, 9 and younger get involved with beauty pageants due to their insane parents. This is the female version of not getting over losing the high school football state championship game. Don’t let down your mom kid! She has demons! Personal demons like the time Bobby dumped her for the girl who would put out! Mommy will show that slut who is prettier by parading around her pretty little girl.

Just have fun sweetie. But seriously, don't fail your mother.

This show is a fine line between pedophilia and…whatever spawn of Roman Polanski this is. What do you call a parent who looks at their daughter and says, “You know what she needs? To be sexualized at a very early age. That will teach her valuable life lessons like…well, lessons…lessons, yes.” The parents may not overtly say this but some mental connection is askew, possibly from all the self-esteem prescription meds they are taking. What message do these parents want to get across anyway? To be shallow and vacant? It’s to be shallow and vacant isn’t it?

How many of these kids actually want to be in these pageants? In one video, a mom flat out admitted that she wants to turn her boys into girls. Oh, her background is in child development too, just to show being educated doesn’t mean your not completely retarded.

Wow! You can buy anything online.

What about young Karlee who said, “I want to be a cheerleader because I like to show my belly and that’s what cheerleaders do?” If only she had some parents around to notice the future slut red flags. Oh wait, whew, she has parents. False alarm. She is not an orphan. Thank goodness because I almost thought that was her mother who was taking her to, a…fucking tanning salon?!?! Great Roosevelt’s ghost! How can that be legal? Wait a minute. Whew, it’s just a spray tan. Nothing like painting your daughters skin like getting your car a custom paint job. That’s somehow better. Like getting a little stabbed with a knife is better than getting a lot of stabbed with a knife.

Oh. It gets worse. It gets so very much worse. Two words.

Butt glue.

Glue designed to keep a young girls swimsuit from sliding off her butt. Yes, this exists. No, I can’t think of anything funny to say. I’m kind of depressed now. I’m going to go rent a bouncy house.


In case you missed them, part one is here. Part two is here.

Disclaimer: This article is satirical and I never want to write about TLC again.

Follow me on Twitter. Contact me at jk47.foc@gmail.com