Monday, January 31, 2011

4 Reasons TLC is the Worst Channel on Television

There was a time when TLC, also known as The Learning Channel, was just a cheeky version of The Discovery Channel. But through this last decade, the term “learning” has taken on a very different meaning to the executives of this channel. They have turned learning into a variety of bizarre reality shows that have taken up the bulk of the schedule.

TLC may not be doing anything much different than any other channel by airing reality shows, but the types of shows it is airing makes me think TLC is the worst. Such as…

1. Cakes

At what point in time did “bakery” become a sub-genre of TV? Ace of Cakes and Cake Boss are horrible. Every story is based on if they will get the cake done in time and they always do. Why are the cakes so needlessly complicated? Are they paid by the icing?

What’s worse is that these shows have spawned a new species of bakery shows about cupcakes and they are spreading like Ebola after a frat party where somebody brought a monkey. There will soon be more cupcake shows than Law and Order spin offs. TV executives are more likely to make “Survivor: Mars” after they see “My Little Cupcake Shop in Cairo” can work.

There is hope though, as these shows are probably just a fad. Ace of Cakes is already cancelled. Others will probably follow after customers realize how stupid they are for buying $5,000 cakes and $35 cupcakes.

2. Sarah Palin’s Alaska

“I’m gonna shoot that moose through it’s shitty god-fearing eyes”

Why, why, why is this lady being given any media attention anymore? She is supposedly popular but I have never met anyone that likes her. Not one person. People under 30 hates her. Most women hate her. Certainly socialists hate her. Virtually all minorities hate her. The only people that like her are white males who get a boner for Jesus and, well, her. Yet she gets a TV show on TLC. Why?

Because she shoots animals in the face! That’s why motherfucker! And if you don’t like it, we will march down to Washington with our guns and our god and demand that society stop being so damn commie by golly. And if your on their side well then I think I’m going to have to shoot you in the face. God hates socialism but he never once said anything about killing his fellow man. Take it from Sarah, The half-term governor. She’s no quitter!

3. 19 and counting

Psalms 25:13 His soul shall dwell at ease; and his seed shall inherit the earth.

This show follows a family and their billion children go through every day life. One episode includes a trip to a Creation museum showing humans and dinosaurs living together. I knew these places existed but I didn’t think anybody actually visited them. It’s a pitiful display of human ignorance to believe in this. If Jim Bob (yeah, I know) and Michelle Duggar were Adam and Eve and their kids represent the future humans after the Garden of Eden, the wheel would look like an oval, spearheads would be made of leaves, and they would have killed themselves discovering fire.

To put this in perspective, I once met a person who asked me, “Why did we nuke the Japs? Wouldn’t that just create nuclear Japs?” After a pretty easy discussion, including why it’s not so cool to call them “Japs”, he learned he was a moron from his earlier statement. Yet, he is still smarter than these fucks because he changed his mind. Some people, no matter how many times you show them 1+1=2, will continue to think 1+1=3 and this family are those types of people.

I could go on some long tirade about creationism even though it’s been argued to death and it’s starting to hurt my brain more than a night binge drinking on mouthwash and paint thinner.

4. The Freak Show and Hoarders.

I’m not blaming the 4 different midget shows, the 600 lbs man, the skin deformity woman, or whatever. I’d take the easy money too.

But seriously. What the fuck is wrong with the head honchos of TLC? Do they go into meetings saying “Hey! How ‘bout we do a show about people infected with flesh eating bacteria and Chlamydia? It will be great. All the normal people will watch thinking ‘boy that sucks’ and we will profit from airing pharmaceutical commercials”. Who are these people? Why do they think it’s okay to air this freak show and act like it’s NOT a freak show? They claim they want to portray everybody as normal human beings. I’m calling bullshit because normal human beings are boring. It’s exploitative any way you look at it.

Don’t worry though, if your not freaky on the outside maybe your freaky in the head like an obsessive-compulsive hoarder. Hoarding: Buried Alive is about people who collect an obscene amount of crap. Or sometimes it’s people who don’t throw anything away. It’s good that these people are getting help but it’s through exploitative means.

Actually, I’m against this show more than any other. If I want to keep a collection of 4,567 dolls that I cooked in the microwave one at a time for 2 minutes than hung them from the ceiling, well that’s my right!

Check out part 2 here! Check out part 3 here!

Disclaimer: This column is satirical and not meant to be taken seriously. My maimed doll collection is to be taken seriously.

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1 comment:

  1. Awesome post. I think TLC has become a truly cruddy channel