Friday, April 22, 2011

Why TLC is the Worst Channel on Television, Part 3

The executives of TLC have no line they wont cross. In this, the finale of my TLC trilogy, the worst of the TV shows are looked at. The children, oh god, the children.

TLC executives: "Children ahead! Film them!"

Outrageous Kid Parties.

Pop quiz! You have a 6 year old daughter and $32,000 to blow. Do you, A. put that money away to start a college fund, B. blow it all on her birthday party or C. buy cocaine and hookers for your own birthday party?
Answer D, show off wads of cash to friends.

Most people probably answered A. Some may have answered C, which they will soon regret when they contract an STD medical science thought only existed in Armadillos. But TLC’s Outrageous Kid Parties is all about the people who would choose answer B, thus teaching their kids that answer C, blowing a shit ton of money on bad decisions, is what is important later in life. Besides, we all know how well 6 year old kids know the value of a dollar.

It’s like these parents have decided to not be parents the rest of the year and spend all their time figuring out if they can sue Trojan for the broken condom. Kids don’t need extravagant parties to have a good birthday. They only need two things for their birthday. Presents and a rented bouncy house. Many kids might be happy with just the presents. Some might be happy with just the rented bouncy house. Adults would certainly be happy with just the bouncy house. I am pro bouncy house birthdays and events. More funding should be put into bouncy house cures for cancer. “Bouncy Houses for All” should be a presidential platform. We would have world peace if everybody had a bouncy house. Bouncy houses…fucking bouncy houses!

Ahem. Sorry. Give me a second, that’s all I can think about now.

All of my dreams. All of them.

Anyway, this might be the first show TLC has actually been ashamed of because I can’t find it anywhere on their website. They are hiding it like it’s drug money that the TLC executives forgot to launder. It’s not even in their past shows section. I know it existed. There are many articles about it. But maybe, just maybe, with the economy the way it is and most people not having a lot of money right now, airing a TV show about spoiled brats getting spoiled brat things is not a good idea.

Even if the economy was better, the show would still be a bad idea considering that whole cost of college thing. I can assume the parents are rich enough to not worry about that but what if they lose their job (jobs)? You know, because that doesn’t happen much recently. Plus, they might wish they had that money back when they need to pay for all the counseling when their kids grow up to resent their parents after finding out the real world, depending on if they develop an addiction to angel dust, isn’t all princesses and ponies.

Granted, they probably won’t resent their parents as much as these next kids.

Toddlers and Tiaras

In an era of Jersey Shore, Real Housewives of Various Cities, and whatever self parody VH1 has turned itself into, this show is easily the worst. This is a reality show where very young girls, and some boys, 9 and younger get involved with beauty pageants due to their insane parents. This is the female version of not getting over losing the high school football state championship game. Don’t let down your mom kid! She has demons! Personal demons like the time Bobby dumped her for the girl who would put out! Mommy will show that slut who is prettier by parading around her pretty little girl.

Just have fun sweetie. But seriously, don't fail your mother.

This show is a fine line between pedophilia and…whatever spawn of Roman Polanski this is. What do you call a parent who looks at their daughter and says, “You know what she needs? To be sexualized at a very early age. That will teach her valuable life lessons like…well, lessons…lessons, yes.” The parents may not overtly say this but some mental connection is askew, possibly from all the self-esteem prescription meds they are taking. What message do these parents want to get across anyway? To be shallow and vacant? It’s to be shallow and vacant isn’t it?

How many of these kids actually want to be in these pageants? In one video, a mom flat out admitted that she wants to turn her boys into girls. Oh, her background is in child development too, just to show being educated doesn’t mean your not completely retarded.

Wow! You can buy anything online.

What about young Karlee who said, “I want to be a cheerleader because I like to show my belly and that’s what cheerleaders do?” If only she had some parents around to notice the future slut red flags. Oh wait, whew, she has parents. False alarm. She is not an orphan. Thank goodness because I almost thought that was her mother who was taking her to, a…fucking tanning salon?!?! Great Roosevelt’s ghost! How can that be legal? Wait a minute. Whew, it’s just a spray tan. Nothing like painting your daughters skin like getting your car a custom paint job. That’s somehow better. Like getting a little stabbed with a knife is better than getting a lot of stabbed with a knife.

Oh. It gets worse. It gets so very much worse. Two words.

Butt glue.

Glue designed to keep a young girls swimsuit from sliding off her butt. Yes, this exists. No, I can’t think of anything funny to say. I’m kind of depressed now. I’m going to go rent a bouncy house.

In case you missed them, part one is here. Part two is here.

Disclaimer: This article is satirical and I never want to write about TLC again.

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Friday, April 15, 2011

Why TLC is the Worst Channel on Television, Part 2

A few months ago I wrote my first blog post making the argument that TLC is the worst channel on TV, basically calling it a mix of freak shows and idiots on display. Those shows are enough to prove my point but in retrospect, I could have made a much stronger argument. I left off some of the worst offending shows. I wasn’t hard enough on TLC.

TLC kills polar bears

So here is part two of my argument (with part three, including the worst two shows on the network, appearing next week).

Extreme Couponing

Firstly, some coupons are worthless since many coupon items are on sale anyway or they discount a pathetic 10 cents on an item, which is pointless unless you’re buying enough food to feed a crowd at a Nickelback concert. Secondly, you know coupons are a shit show when you get a high number of hits for searching “coupon scams” and “coupon myths”. Basically, it boils down to some coupons being worth it, some doing nothing, and some robbing you with their fancy math.

People who partake in “extreme couponing“, which is about as extreme as The Extreme Filling Out Tax Form 1040A Championships, didn‘t get the memo. They take up coupon cutting like a child, or rather sad adult, who just discovered Pokemon. Gotta collect them all!

Coupon storage box

Somehow, people who are really into saving money via coupon cutting is worthy of a TV show. It’s compelling theater. Watch as shopaholics spend the equivalent amount of time as a full time job cutting coupons and stockpiling products like there is going to be an imminent nuclear war. Marvel at six member families staying impossibly thin eating that much mayonnaise (fast forward to the 0.50 mark). Bask in the glory of a dumpster diver finding her fix like a heroin junkie with what sounds like a Jane’s Addiction cover playing in the background for unintentional comedy.

And seriously, who spends over $1,200 at the grocery store before using their coupons? Does your family have the metabolisms of Gary Busey on a week long Meth binge?

Four Weddings

Apparently TLC thought there wasn’t enough drama in a wedding so they created this terrible show where four brides go to each others weddings to decide whom had the best in order to win a spectacular honeymoon. Admittedly, that is pretty tame according to TLC standards. “What’s wrong TLC? You couldn’t fill all the contestants slots with brides that have brain tumors, compulsorily eat light bulbs, wear shower curtains as dresses, and are sexually attracted to fire?” To give the show credit, it’s not as borderline offensive or as blisteringly stupid as the others, but to pump the same amount of money as the GDP of Nigeria into your wedding in order to top the others tells me you could probably afford your dream honeymoon on your own. Well, you could before the wedding normally reserved for Columbian drug lords.

Losers are left to honeymoon here

And oh yeah, these brides are bitches. Since they fill out score cards on each other, they will nit pick any little thing in order to give their competitors a smaller score. They trash the traditional Indian wedding because of the food (yea xenophobia!). They trash the Catholic wedding because they had to get up a lot (yea laziness!). Another complained about a bride wearing bridal sneakers (yea stereotypical female shoe worship!). One bride complained about the appearance of the building the ceremony was in (yea architecture snobs?). Brides just love being judged for not being good enough on their wedding day.

"You're not using a sandy beach? How barbaric!"

Also, just in case anybody was wondering, the four brides change every episode which means four weddings every episode. This is not a show where they follow around four brides for an entire season showing all the planning going into the weddings too, oh no, this is much more painful. This is Chinese water torture. You wouldn’t think it would be that bad but the repetitive dripping of wedding after wedding will force all fans of this show (and lets face it, it’s all women, maybe some gay guys too) to get delusions of grandeur. Grandeur where they will refuse to marry anyone unless they can have a wedding ring made out of the gold from Fort Knox, have the ceremony on a comet, and sink millions of dollars into research to raise a zombie John Lennon to perform at the reception. Money well spent!

Part 3 is here.

Disclaimer: This article is satirical. I truly think TLC is awful but it gives me material so...

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Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Picking a Fight with Vague Craigslist Ads.

I can’t stand vague Craigslist job postings. Having only 5 sentences barely telling you anything about the job is a sign the company is ran by human traffickers or the job itself is like trying to do dental work on a lion. In other words, the job sucks. If it’s just a company being lazy with their post, not willing to spend more than 2 minutes on their ad, then how are they going to treat their employees?
“We are seeking qualified candidates for our sales-cooking-engineering-telemarketing-fuck-you-over division of our offices located somewhere in the western hemisphere. Must be able to pass a background check, drug test, HIV test, withstand 80 bee stings, and talk Bubba out of stabbing you. Send your resume to”
This looks legit.

Sometimes you’re left to guess exactly who you would be working for if you respond to these since many don‘t bother to tell you. Sometimes it’s just a persons name rather than a company name.
“Who is posting this? What is a Willy Wonka? That can’t honestly be someone’s name can it? It sounds like the name of a boat engine part. Why does he have a maximum height limit and asks those allergic to orange paint need not apply?”
These nameless companies are coming straight forward with their lack of giving a shit about you. They don’t want you to read about all the negative reviews of the company online or just want you to work their until the robots are ready.

They're shipping next Monday.

After responding to one of these vague Craigslist ads, I had the following exchange (may have been totally fabricated):
Overly friendly job poster: “Hello JK-47. We have reviewed your Resume and would like to interview you for our office assistant position.”

Me: “Great, although I have a question about a detail in your Craigslist ad. In it, the details of the job is referred to as ‘clerical entry.’ I think you meant clerical WORK and DATA entry correct?”
Job poster: “No. No. It’s correct as is. But I guess if you wanted to call it data entry it would be alright. Is that some sort of new street term?”
Me: “I have no idea what your talking about. Did I just buy drugs? ‘Clerical entry’ makes no sense in any language.”
Job poster in a condescending tone: “This job requires you work for a clerical organization. We mean clerical as in a member of the clergy. You really should read more carefully”
Me: “And you really should be less cryptic. Clerical has multiple definitions. Maybe you should say it’s a ‘data entry position for a clerical organization.’ That would be much more clear. Clerical entry sounds like-”
Job poster: “-entering clergymen yes.”
Me: “I - um, wait.”
Job poster: “I work for an organization that specializes in finding alternatives too, well, let me put it this way. The Catholic Church needs new methods to help our sexually frustrated clergymen.”
Me: “Jesus! Okay you sick fuck. I get it. I‘ve seen the news. You‘re trying to buy hookers as an alternative to little boys. While that is admittedly better than the alternative, how about letting the clergy date rather than require them to be celibate? Or better yet, make them wear a shock collar that electrocutes them every time they have a boner?”
Job poster who thinks he is hip now: “Nah. We have enough money to pay for ‘data entry‘.”
Me: “That’s not the point and data entry does not mean sodomy…I think. I’m not a hooker. Plus, it’s funny how you realize that you could buy whores instead only after going the pedophilia route. Like you didn’t even consider it before.”
Job poster who is now an impatient data-hole: “Do you want to come in for an interview or not?”
Me: “What the fuck do you think?! Again, I’m not a hooker. Why do you and my neighbors keep thinking that?”
Job poster: “Okay well I need to contact some other applicants. Have a good day and God bless you.”
Me: “Fuck off”
No more vague Craigslist posts please. If you’re the poster, then I have no choice but to assume your trying to get me to do something illegal. And if your looking for a hooker, try a personal ad. Quit making this harder than it has to be. Don't make me find you! Oh yeah, I can't.

Disclaimer: This article is satirical and no Craigslist ads were directly quoted. However if they were, oh man, so much blood.

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