“We are seeking qualified candidates for our sales-cooking-engineering-telemarketing-fuck-you-over division of our offices located somewhere in the western hemisphere. Must be able to pass a background check, drug test, HIV test, withstand 80 bee stings, and talk Bubba out of stabbing you. Send your resume to firstname.lastname@example.org.”
“Who is posting this? What is a Willy Wonka? That can’t honestly be someone’s name can it? It sounds like the name of a boat engine part. Why does he have a maximum height limit and asks those allergic to orange paint need not apply?”These nameless companies are coming straight forward with their lack of giving a shit about you. They don’t want you to read about all the negative reviews of the company online or just want you to work their until the robots are ready.
Overly friendly job poster: “Hello JK-47. We have reviewed your Resume and would like to interview you for our office assistant position.”
Me: “Great, although I have a question about a detail in your Craigslist ad. In it, the details of the job is referred to as ‘clerical entry.’ I think you meant clerical WORK and DATA entry correct?”
Job poster: “No. No. It’s correct as is. But I guess if you wanted to call it data entry it would be alright. Is that some sort of new street term?”
Me: “I have no idea what your talking about. Did I just buy drugs? ‘Clerical entry’ makes no sense in any language.”
Job poster in a condescending tone: “This job requires you work for a clerical organization. We mean clerical as in a member of the clergy. You really should read more carefully”
Me: “And you really should be less cryptic. Clerical has multiple definitions. Maybe you should say it’s a ‘data entry position for a clerical organization.’ That would be much more clear. Clerical entry sounds like-”
Job poster: “-entering clergymen yes.”
Me: “I - um, wait.”
Job poster: “I work for an organization that specializes in finding alternatives too, well, let me put it this way. The Catholic Church needs new methods to help our sexually frustrated clergymen.”
Me: “Jesus! Okay you sick fuck. I get it. I‘ve seen the news. You‘re trying to buy hookers as an alternative to little boys. While that is admittedly better than the alternative, how about letting the clergy date rather than require them to be celibate? Or better yet, make them wear a shock collar that electrocutes them every time they have a boner?”
Job poster who thinks he is hip now: “Nah. We have enough money to pay for ‘data entry‘.”
Me: “That’s not the point and data entry does not mean sodomy…I think. I’m not a hooker. Plus, it’s funny how you realize that you could buy whores instead only after going the pedophilia route. Like you didn’t even consider it before.”
Job poster who is now an impatient data-hole: “Do you want to come in for an interview or not?”
Me: “What the fuck do you think?! Again, I’m not a hooker. Why do you and my neighbors keep thinking that?”
Job poster: “Okay well I need to contact some other applicants. Have a good day and God bless you.”
Me: “Fuck off”No more vague Craigslist posts please. If you’re the poster, then I have no choice but to assume your trying to get me to do something illegal. And if your looking for a hooker, try a personal ad. Quit making this harder than it has to be. Don't make me find you! Oh yeah, I can't.
Disclaimer: This article is satirical and no Craigslist ads were directly quoted. However if they were, oh man, so much blood.
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