4 reasons my wife is going to leave me

                               Articles My Wife wont let me publish

                The first one is, four diseases I think are funny.  I think it would have been hilarious. I had multiple Michael J. Fox jokes. I was going to throw in some Jay Cutler Wilford Brimly comparisons (i.e., the beetus).  I had a killer joke about how Native Americans don’t drink alcohol it’s just that 79 percent  of them are born with Cerebral Palsy. Yes, I know, that was both racist and insensitive. Oh well, I’ll live….(unlike some people on that list.) BAM, see the jokes write themselves.

The beetus

 

 

                The next article my wife would prefer that I not write is: “Why I hate Dan Marino.”  I actually wrote this one.  It was a solid 800 words and it had pictures.  I thought it was  great, then I let some people read it. I was told it was nothing but an 800 word death threat.  I didn’t think it was that bad. My buddy is a lawyer; he read 3 lines and stopped and said, “You will be arrested if you publish this.” I will put it this way: Dan Marino, if you’re reading this, it was 1997 December 17^th at the Walgreens in Fort Lauderdale. You know what you did, you fucking washed-out, leather-skinned cocksucker.

Smug sonof a bitch

 

 

                This next one could have been awesome!  I was going to title it “My Sister In-law. The Big Fat Whore.”  Now,  I never actually wrote this one; there was just too much research involved. Trying to find out how many men she had slept with was a job for Steven Hawking; that man has a firm understanding of math and giant holes that suck everything into them.  Towards the end I realized I should have got the  number of men age 19 to 53 who live in Illinois and subtracted 19 percent, to account for gays. The answer is 3,184,000 by the way. When My wife found out what I was writing about, she was pissed. The weird part is I never specifically named any of her three sisters, and she couldn’t tell which sister I was writing about. So, all my wife’s sisters are incredible whores and that’s just too much math.  I would have had to figure out a formula to determine if one male had sex with all of them or just one, or two of them; I mean, that’s just bullshit.

Drunk Sluts

 

  

                With all the talk about rape in the news I thought a good topic would be “ top five rape scenes in movies.” First of all I had no clue how many movies had rape scenes in them, (I’m talking to you the 80’s).  After thinking about it, I just couldn’t stomach watching Jodie Foster get humped on a pinball machine by five rednecks. I gave up on it. I told my wife I needed something to write about and she asked what my last idea was; I told her. I look back at it and realize what a mistake I made. She, without hesitation,  pulled back and man punched me in the face. After I stopped crying she explained how rape is never funny. Later that night after everything had calmed down, I hid in the bathroom with the light off and jumped out and slapped her in the face, and was like “ Was that Funny!”.  Later the police officer explained to me that domestic abuse is not funny. I don’t think I understand funny anymore, she is a cruel mistress.

Not Funny