Saturday, February 26, 2011

Dear Internet: Time to Retire the Lolcats Meme

If you don’t know what Lolcats are then a.) welcome to the internet and b.) you’re not missing anything. Strangely, a lot of the internet thinks they are funny as hell and the greatest thing accomplished by a medium that can hold all the information in the world. That’s saying a lot. "What has unlimited knowledge for humankind produced?" you ask. Pictures of fucking cats with captions written like speech impediments matching the picture to produce something about as funny as Family Circus cartoons, as in not funny at all. It’s believed they originated where all stupid ideas come from, 4chan (good ideas come from there too, occasionally, but it's like playing Russian roulette with your sanity. Some images on there are best left unseen), so keep that in mind when thinking about this nonsense.

Everybody has that friend that talks to their pets in that weird, high-pitched, cutesy, voice like they are talking to a newborn child. Lolcats is the internet version of that only with less brain cells and the false belief that a goofy cat picture plus a poor grasp of the English language equals hilarious. This sounds like an idea Japan would come up with only Japan would take it to horrifying levels or at least make the cat 20 stories tall and fight Godzilla.

The thing is, cats aren’t as funny as their popularity would suggest. They can be funny from time to time but they are not “internet comedy sensation” worthy. Cats are egotistical, selfish, drama queens who act as if the universe revolves around them. Actually, that may be true of the fatter cats having actual gravitational pulls but the point stands. Cats are jerks. I have never met a cat that didn’t claw me for no reason whatsoever. Dogs on the other hand all love me and they are just as popular as cats but by internet standards, less funny. Some dogs love me to the point of love making with my leg. I know some say dogs hump other males to claim dominance but I think they just find me charming and sophisticated. And sexy. Dogs attracted to me is hilarious because I don't look anything like a dog but I will admit to kind of smelling like one after a trip to Taco Bell.

The text part of a Lolcat photo is the worst part. It is called lolspeak and it's only slightly more legible than leetspeak. I have grudgingly come to accepting some lolspeak like, well, “lol”, despite it playing a part in slowly turning the English language into something where evry wurd is speld pho-net-ik-ally or at least abbreviated. Lolcats has determined that if cats could talk, they would do so as if they have severe brain damage from eating too much mercury tainted tuna. Well, at least that is how kids start to talk after they drink the mercury inside a thermometer…maybe. I’m not a doctor.

Diagnosis: "You have a deadly infection. Oh sorry. U haz a dedley invecshun."

The popularity of Lolcats is the most astounding part. Comedy is subjective but people like Lolcats similar to the way they like cheese, they think it can be added to anything even when it slowly kills them on the inside and ruins their fish. I’ve seen Lolcats in newspaper comment sections, message boards devoted to My Little Pony (don’t ask how I know this), and on hockey blogs despite cats being near dead last in things that come to mind when you think of hockey, the Florida Panthers notwithstanding. They are so popular you can’t ignore them. At least bad TV shows are limited to certain stations and you need to make more of an effort to see a bad movie but not Lolcats. They are like bad music. Bad music is unavoidable as they exist in the background of restaurants and shops just like Lolcats exist in the comments and forums of many websites. They are as unavoidable as getting pissed on at R. Kelly’s house.

So I say Lolcats needs to be retired. Its run its course. Who is with me? Most internet memes would have died out by now. There is a reason the Rick Roll has faded away. It gets old. Lolcats was never funny and has passed the point of old. When the first Lolcat appeared on the internet in 2005, George W. Bush was starting the first year of his second term presidency, Star Wars Episode III was in theaters pussifying Darth Vader, Jack Johnson was inventing the crappy “white douchebag with acoustic guitar” genre of music and Myspace was still a thing.

The funniest thing to ever come from a cat related joke is “kitten mittons” anyway. I know that won’t stop Lolcat people from trying but it's futile. It's all been done. Time to move on too, say, spiders. They haven't gotten much of a comedy treatment and could really use the love.

"I just want to be loved. Oh sorry. I gust wan tu be luved."

Disclaimer: This article is satirical and I don't really give a shit about Lolcats. I promise my next article will not be on such a hack topic.

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Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Celebrities that suck at stuff

                                                              Worst Cross over’s

                Sometimes when athletes, actors or musicians are at the apex or the twilight of their careers they decide to attempt a crossover. Be it an actress that tries to be a country singer or a Rapper that attempts to president of Haiti (Really, Wyclef?).  Maybe the person’s entourage tells them that their music is amazing, or maybe they get nominated for an Oscar and are like, “I’m going to make a fucking country album, how hard can that be?”  Now, let’s make fun of some people that took risks and tried new things.
Vote for Clef

                There are a bevy of juiced up jocks that try to master “the sweet language of angels.”  I don’t know of one athlete that has gotten close to creating a worthy album. Ever heard Shaq’s LP or John Daily’s country album? They are atrocious; but, neither are as hideous as Carl Lewis’s “Break it up.”  I love Carl Lewis; the man has 19 gold medals. He is one of the best athletes to ever come out of the red white and blue’s womb. Have you ever been kicked in the nuts and the only thing getting you thru the pain was knowing it’s going to be over soon, well this video is like that.  After watching it I was so embarrassed for Carl, I couldn’t make eye contact with other humans for eight days.  I just rolled up in the fetal position and cried. It’s painful, but please watch until the end of the video and, explain to me what the fuck is going on.

                 Mos Def, Justin Timberlake and Marky Mark all are decent actors. Have you seen Marky Mark in the Departed?  My boy’s got mad acting skills. Some musicians can act but, for the most part they suck at it.  Louise Veronica Ciccone, aka Madonna, makes that chick from twilight look like Judy Dench.  I know what some of you are thinking, “Aww, Madonna won a gold globe in Evita.” First, I want to start by telling you to go fuck yourself.  Second, she appeared in six movies from 1980 to 1991 where her acting was so atrocious that it makes that  golden globe null and void. However, there is one pop star that stands out.  In 1991, the movie “Cool as Ice” came out.  It’s a rap oriented re-make of "Rebel Without a Cause," starring Vanilla Ice.  A lot of you just rolled your eyes back and uttered, “shit I remember that.”  If you are one of the people lucky enough to be born before 1983, you know of what I speak. If you haven’t seen it…well I just watched it and half way thru I broke a beer bottle in-half, ran across the room screaming, and stabbed my TV for 20 minutes.

                Now it’s time for my favorite crossover, Actors that put out music. Jared Leto from 30 Seconds To Mars made an ok crossover.  There are three actors that come to mind when I think of bad celebrity albums.  Russell Crowe: it’s just plain awful.  Steven Segal’s “Songs from The Crystal Cave” album includes a wonderful reggae track where he expresses “Me want the poonani, see for make nice.” That’s right ladies Stevey has a hankering  for your poonani’s. Then I came across a rare piece of music entitled “De-Pressed” written by Cory Feldman.  Cory has put out four albums, and I have no clue how.  I have listened to all four albums. Words can’t describe how shity they are.  The lyrics sound like some 8th grade girl wrote them.  He puts a saxophone solo in every other song to add some maturity and class; because, nothing says class like a sax solo in a rap-rock song about Michael Jackson molesting you. To top it all off he can’t sing, it just sounds like Michelangelo from the ninja turtles screaming over a symphony of cats getting sodomized by rakes. God took the wrong Cory!  With all that being said, I highly recommend it.  I have his song, “Soul Search part3” as my ringtone.


Sunday, February 20, 2011

Virtual Reality Sex (It would suck).

All I really want is a real life Star Trek Holodeck. Is that so much to ask? A fully submersive virtual reality where anything, and I mean anything, is possible. It would be the greatest invention the world has ever known. Who wouldn’t want to spend an afternoon fighting ninjas, shooting robots with lasers, eating mushrooms with Mario, getting drunk with Frank Sinatra and boning Anne Hathaway on top of Mount Everest while simultaneously playing the ass kickingist guitar solo the world has ever heard? Nobody, that’s who!

In the 1980’s and 90’s, as technology pushed onward full steam ahead, a future full of awesome Holodecks seemed possible. Computers were getting faster processors and larger hard drives for all that porn slowly downloaded from dial-up modems. Video game systems were fighting a proxy war via plumbers and hedgehogs which no prophets predicted. CGI was making it’s debut in the theaters in movies like Terminator 2 and Jurassic Park which impressed some film makers so much that they decided CGI is the only thing needed to compensate for awful, awful storytelling. It was only natural to wonder what was the next step but the consensus goal came down to one thing; virtual reality.

This does not help the goofy nerd stereotype.

Virtual reality was the most hyped future advancement during those decades. Flying cars, bionic body parts, space travel, and fucking hoverboards all came second to VR (and ignoring hoverboards should be deemed a crime against humanity). Tech companies played around with all sorts of headsets and other peripherals to achieve a fully submersive 3-D environment in which somebody can live out their disgusting fantasies. It wasn’t just about trying to achieve realistic 3-D environments you could see but actually be a part of, kind of like combining a 3-D movie with a video game. Basically it’s Scott Pilgrim vs. The World except the always awkward Michael Cera is not awkwardly turning Scott Pilgrim into a much more awkward character than he is supposed to be. Instead, you get to play Scott Pilgrim. It should be noted, Mary Elizabeth Winstead can stay on as my Ramona though. She can “stay on” my anything.

While investors where looking to put virtual reality in all kinds of fields, the general public only really cared about it’s uses for entertainment. The questions consumers ask about new technology are: “How do I have sex with it?” and “Will it judge me for the things I use it for?” So it should come as no surprise when many people thought virtual reality would be a knock out for sex when sex with anybody would be possible in theory.

Than people saw Demolition Man.

All cops in the future will look like this.

In the 1993 movie, there is a scene between Sylvester Stallone and Sandra Bullock in which they engage in the lamest sex scene of all time via virtual reality headsets. Bullock seems to get a kick out of it because it’s all she’s ever known but Stallone is confused and a little angry. That may not be a fair assessment however as all of Stallone’s characters always comes off as “a little angry” but the point stands.

It would be fine if it was replacing porn but in this scenario the VR replaces a willing participant making the device unnecessary. Why anybody would think this is an upgrade is a little too obsessed with technology, not to mention in Demolition Man the woman happens to be Sandra Bullock. Hell, I’m amazed Sylvester Stallone didn’t go all Rambo on the offices of whatever company made the VR sets when he was cheated out of sex with Bullock. His boner would have to be classified as a lethal weapon.

The movie gave people the impression that VR will never be real enough. They want VR sex to be as real as possible because they can’t get the real Anne Hathaway, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Sandra Bullock or whoever. VR is limited to simply being 3-D porn and having to slay the crotch dragon by yourself for any physical stimulation.

In remembrance of the slain crotch dragon. It was gracious in defeat.

Virtual reality can’t reproduce the “physical” aspect of sex no matter how hard they try. (Wait, something with electrodes. Yeah, electrodes attached to your junk! That might work. Don’t knock it till you tried it!) Besides, how physically real would you want it to be if you use the VR to fight alien ninja’s and take a katana to the midsection? How physically real would you want it to be when you are fighting a demon when it possesses you and turns you into the Crypt Keeper? How real do you want your creepy furry sex when you contract a rare disease that normally only rabbits get? It can’t be real enough for sex, but for other fantasies there is a limit to how real it should be.

Plan B, a hat made out of fantasies and the tears of children.

But I guess virtual reality’s offspring known as modern 3-D is good enough for most people. Nobody really cares about the fully submersive virtual reality anymore and the argument that VR sex would suck played a large part. Luckily, we have Japan’s booming sex robot market to fill the void of virtual sex. Sure, the robot is mostly a glorified blow up doll and sure, it’s cold, lifeless eyes will haunt your nightmares until you need years of therapy, but at least it’s physical. It’s worth it even when you go to the doctor to describe your urinating as a painful electric discharge. Just tell the doctor how awesome the sex with your robot girlfriend is and he or she will totally understand.

But as for the aforementioned Holodeck, it’s only a pipe dream right now. I’m not bitter (yes I am) and have come to accept this (no I haven’t).

Disclaimer: This article is satirical and not to be taken seriously. I do not own a Japanese robot girlfriend but can't help being a little curious.

Ramona is a character from Scott Pilgrim vs. The World. The film is owned by Universal. Demolition Man is owned by Warner Bros.

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Friday, February 18, 2011

4 reasons my wife is going to leave me

                               Articles My Wife wont let me publish

                The first one is, four diseases I think are funny.  I think it would have been hilarious. I had multiple Michael J. Fox jokes. I was going to throw in some Jay Cutler Wilford Brimly comparisons (i.e., the beetus).  I had a killer joke about how Native Americans don’t drink alcohol it’s just that 79 percent  of them are born with Cerebral Palsy. Yes, I know, that was both racist and insensitive. Oh well, I’ll live….(unlike some people on that list.) BAM, see the jokes write themselves.

The beetus



                The next article my wife would prefer that I not write is: “Why I hate Dan Marino.”  I actually wrote this one.  It was a solid 800 words and it had pictures.  I thought it was  great, then I let some people read it. I was told it was nothing but an 800 word death threat.  I didn’t think it was that bad. My buddy is a lawyer; he read 3 lines and stopped and said, “You will be arrested if you publish this.” I will put it this way: Dan Marino, if you’re reading this, it was 1997 December 17th at the Walgreens in Fort Lauderdale. You know what you did, you fucking washed-out, leather-skinned cocksucker.

Smug sonof a bitch



                This next one could have been awesome!  I was going to title it “My Sister In-law. The Big Fat Whore.”  Now,  I never actually wrote this one; there was just too much research involved. Trying to find out how many men she had slept with was a job for Steven Hawking; that man has a firm understanding of math and giant holes that suck everything into them.  Towards the end I realized I should have got the  number of men age 19 to 53 who live in Illinois and subtracted 19 percent, to account for gays. The answer is 3,184,000 by the way. When My wife found out what I was writing about, she was pissed. The weird part is I never specifically named any of her three sisters, and she couldn’t tell which sister I was writing about. So, all my wife’s sisters are incredible whores and that’s just too much math.  I would have had to figure out a formula to determine if one male had sex with all of them or just one, or two of them; I mean, that’s just bullshit.

Drunk Sluts



                With all the talk about rape in the news I thought a good topic would be “ top five rape scenes in movies.” First of all I had no clue how many movies had rape scenes in them, (I’m talking to you the 80’s).  After thinking about it, I just couldn’t stomach watching Jodie Foster get humped on a pinball machine by five rednecks. I gave up on it. I told my wife I needed something to write about and she asked what my last idea was; I told her. I look back at it and realize what a mistake I made. She, without hesitation,  pulled back and man punched me in the face. After I stopped crying she explained how rape is never funny. Later that night after everything had calmed down, I hid in the bathroom with the light off and jumped out and slapped her in the face, and was like “ Was that Funny!”.  Later the police officer explained to me that domestic abuse is not funny. I don’t think I understand funny anymore, she is a cruel mistress.

Not Funny


Tuesday, February 15, 2011

7 Places to See Free Boobs


            Who doesn’t love boobs? We have compiled a list of the best places to see free boobs, because lets face it nobody wants to pay a 25 dollar cover charge to see some hag with a caesarean  scar and cigarette burns shake her nasty boobies. So without further ado, I bring you the best place to see free boobies.

                Mardigras. If you like young middle to upper class white boobies, this is where you should be. For the price of some plastic beads, you can make young drunk white girls flash you the boob. This is nothing more than an excuse for these inebriated girls to do what comes naturally; namely, pull their shirts up and scream, “WOOOO, I’m so wasted, Mardigras, WOOOHOOO.” It’s important that the individual scream the name of the event they are at when said girl flashes her boobage.

                My Tenth Birthday.  Believe me you would have seen some boobs.  After my mom has about 5 sambucca and cokes, she likes to show everyone how “free spirited” she is.  I will never forget it.  As soon as I blew out my candles wishing for a new nerf gun, my mother pulled up her shirt and screamed “WOOOO, I’m so wasted.. My Baby’s Birthday, WOOHOOO MOTHERFUCKERS!”  Fourth grade was tough. 


                The Office X-mas party.  Oh hell ya! There gunna be some boobies!  Every office has at least one girl that will drink too much,  flash her boobies, make out with some random dude, and puke. Not always in that order; but, for the guy being kissed, it’s preferred. If you are lucky your office will have more than one of these girls. It’s natural for them to engage in a competition of how many times they flash their boobies. All night at the party you will hear “WOOOOO, I’m so wasted, MERRY CHRISTMAS, WOOOHOOO!” in the back ground. It truly is a Christmas miracle.

                Sturgis, South Dakota.  Every year in South Dakota, massive numbers of middle-aged people gather.  Not, as you might think, to see Mount Rushmore; instead, they ride their motorcycles around and get drunk, fight, and flash some titties. Be forewarned, these are not your nice Mardigras boobies. They are giant, fake, scary boobs. The formula is simple: no beads or dollar bills needed. All you have to do is scream, “HEY YOU, SHOW ME YOUR TITS!” and by some big fake titty magic they appear.

                Cancun, Mexico.  Always!  You will always see boobs in Cancun.  I once heard a girl scream “WOOO, IM SO WASTED. FLAG DAY!  WOOOHOOOOO!”

                Lynard Skynard Concert. All Skynard concerts, but also, every Kid Rock and Jimmy Buffet show, and others of their ilk. Once again you are warned. You go to a Skynard or Buffet concert you will see boobs, but they are sad boobies: old, fat, blue, veiny boobies. These chicks drink so much they forget that they are 53 year old substitute teachers. They smoke so much pot that they are whisked away to a time when they were much younger, hotter, and tighter. I have seen a 240 lb women manage to pull her tight tank top over three levels of rolls, only to have her floppy sad boobs slide down to her belt buckle  as she screams, “WOOO, I’M WASTED.  BUFFET! WOOOHOOO!”.    

                Spring Break.  Then there is always Spring Break motherfuckers. Spring break.

Friday, February 11, 2011

A Review of 6 Bad Valentines Day Gifts

Valentines Day is easily one of the most commercialized holidays on the calender. Though a lot of the gifts revolve around roses, chocolates, and jewelry; that won't stop companies from coming up with bad gift ideas to milk every last dollar.

Personalized Mouse pad

Such a nice place to put a picture of your sweetheart. Right under you steamrolling their face with your mouse. How often does anybody ever look at their mouse pad anyway? You might look for the mouse to grab but the pad itself is just background filler. This gift says the best place to display a picture is a place you don’t have to see it too much.

Anybody who has owned a mouse pad for longer than, oh I don’t know, a year, can tell you how much those things fade and collect dirt. You might as well have put the picture in an ashtray where you can double the fun of covering your loved one in filth by fantasizing about putting cigarettes out on their face.

Silver Plated Fortune Cookie
With this gift, you get to write your own fortune which is stuffed inside a silver fortune cookie. It also comes in an incredibly tacky Chinese take out box packed with tacky red raffia and an incredibly tacky Chinese character for love is printed on the outside of the box for your most tacky of tack-tackular holidays.

When describing fortune cookies, the last thing that comes to mind is “precious metals”. There are a lot better Valentines Day gifts made from silver, like jewelry, so it feels like getting a silver fortune cookie is an insult. That’s like telling your lover you plan on taking her to a sushi dinner for Valentines Day but instead coming home and slapping her in the face with a dead fish.

Tabletopics Couples Edition

The perfect present for couples that don’t communicate very well. There just isn’t anything as subtle as a card that you draw from a deck telling you what to talk about. Brilliant.

“Happy Valentine’s Day sweetie!”
“Thanks honey. I hope this is that necklace I wanted.” she says while opening her present
“Uh, necklace? What necklace?”
“Conversation starters?”
“Yeah, I just thought, you know, we don’t talk anymore and this might help.”
“Like how I got no response after telling you about that necklace I liked last week. You never listen.”
“How do you like your present?”
“It sucks.”
“…What are you trying to say?”

Prescription Red Hots

You know all those PSA’s that used to air on TV to remind parents to tell their children that drugs are not candy? Well fuck that to hell with red hot candies in a disturbingly accurate prescription drug container. They even come in the same white bags prescription drugs come in.

I don’t have any problems with this product per se, but you can’t help thinking some idiot will give this to his or her children causing the kids to think “nothing goes better with Kool Aid then Vicodin!” Edit - The author would like the apologize for that last joke. That was in bad taste. Ahem. Next Valentines Day, you can buy your kids a Spongebob Oxycotton Pez dispenser!


What better game to give a love theme too when the original was about making your opponents homeless? If one thing makes me think about love, sex, or general human compassion, it’s certainly Wall Street. I also don’t think there is anything more romantic than getting free parking either.

What exactly is the currency in this game anyway? It’s probably something cutesy like kisses or batting your eyelashes. Wait, how is the currency collected? If they really wanted to make this game as close to real Monopoly as possible, you would collect money when the opposing player lands on a spot you currently have hookers on. They take the place of houses and hotels. I know hookers aren’t really what you think of when you think about love but they’re certainly closer to the Monopoly theme of draining your money and laughing at your genitals. If there is no crying in Baseball then there is no love in Monopoly.

Valentines Day Toilet Paper

Now we’re really into the shit…literally.

At first I thought this might be some kind of anti-Valentines Day gift but no, ready the message. “I love you from top to bottom”? What kind of message is that to put on toilet paper? Why does there even need to be a message on toilet paper? Besides, “…top to bottom”? Who wipes that way? Edit - Okay. Now that joke was in bad taste.

Disclaimer - This column is satirical and not to be taken too seriously. If you get one of these gifts for Valentines day...I'm sorry. Kinda. Not really.

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Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Six People You won’t Believe are on the NRA’s Blacklist

          Six People You won’t Believe are on the NRA’s Blacklist

they were put on the NRA’s “blacklist”. They are described as enemies of the NRA.

Jodi foster said that “guns don’t belong in the hands of Americans they were to nervous and scared to be able to have guns” and she thinks “guns don’t belong in America”.  In the movie the “Brave One,” she learns how to handle a firearm and hunts down dudes for revenge. While she is seeking out her revenge she stops a store robbery and almost gets raped on a subway car. She shoots and kills six people. After watching this “film” I went out and got a gun in fear of my enviable rape on a subway car. This whole film is practically a huge commercial aimed at women to encourage them to buy guns.

                Matt Damon:  I quote, “Guns freak me out.” –Matt Damon. He looks pretty comfortable when he was blowing people’s faces off in the Bourne series. In the Bourne films he murders 10 people that’s the size of an average preschool class. I’m not saying he  killed a class of preschoolers, but as Mr. Bourne he would rip through those kids like Good Will Hunting through a wicked hard math problem.

Jack Nicholson is anti-hand gun, unless he needs a four foot gun to shoot down the batwing. When the joker wasn’t busy killing everyone in Gotham via chemical warfare, he was shooting them. In the movie “The Departed,” he pulled a real gun on Leonardo Decaprio in order to add some realism to a scene. In Prizzi’s Honor Jack plays a hit man. In Batman and the Departed alone he kills 40 people.

                 Sean Connery (or as you may know him, James Bond), is an enemy of the NRA. In my opinion, he should be the NRA’s mascot. He travels around the world shooting people, drinking, and making manly love to hot chicks. He made killing people look cool; I never wanted to kill anyone until I saw my first Bond film. Now it’s all I think about. In “You only live twice” he kills 18 people. That’s in one movie,  all together James kills 43 people.

Robert De Niro. That man has made a career out of shooting people. This is of course before the Meet The Fockers franchise… never mind he actually had a gun in them. De Niro used to be gangster. He was like Ice Cube before Disney got a hold of him. (I’m so disappointed in you Ice Cube). When Charlton Heston saw Heat for the first time it gave him a hard on.  In only eight of his movies he kills 32 people.

Sylvester Stallone is on the N.R.A’s blacklist. When we first saw this we assumed it was for portraying guns ONLY as tools for shooting people. What we found out instead was he went to an anti-gun rally. THE FUCK!  Have you seen any movie made in the 80’s? I’ll break it down for you: they involve people getting shot and Stallone was in all of them.  The only movies he did that didn’t involve shooting people were the Rocky’s, in those he just bashed  faces in. If you got hired in as an extra in a movie and Stallone walked on set you’d be like “SHIT!  Maybe after he shoots me, I’ll die face up for some camera time.” He was the Babe Ruth of killing  Burmese people In the latest Rambo. Now a days he makes sad movies trying to “get the band  back together,” but when the band gets back together it kills an island of people! In the Rambo movies, 492 people get killed. Stallone going to a anti-gun rally is like Mel Brooks going to a ham eating contest. The shit just don’t make sense.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Jamming with JK-47. Feb 8th 2011

This is a new installment which I just write and joke about what's on my mind at the moment. The intent of these posts are to provide content when working on big articles (my next article might be in installments because I just have too much to say for a single article. It's already at 900 words and I still have several points to bring up). It's not like we have the readership to really need this but a blog without regular content looks abandoned. These posts will also be more free style than my main articles and not nearly as heavily edited. So without further ado...

Thoughts on the Super Bowl

I have to be honest. I was not really looking forward to this game. The Steelers in yet another Super Bowl? No thanks. Add in the fact that I don't feel one way or the other about Green Bay leads to a Super Bowl I could care less about.

I barely watched it. I put it on the TV but spent the game dicking around on the internet. I didn't watch most of the commercials either because I don't give a shit about them. Also, when some people claim the commercials are the best part, what does that say about the main program?

I'm glad the rapist lost though. I always thought Ben Roethlisberger came off as a raging donkey boner.


My girlfriend is watching Glee as I write this. I never understood the appeal to this show. It's cheeky and fun with some drama mixed in, which is usually a good format for quality, but I just can't get into it. It's like a much cooler version of High School Musical except only a few of the actors look the proper age. Also, saying it's a cooler version of a shitty musical isn't saying much.

Colorado Avalanche

As some of you may know, particularly those from MHH that found this post via Twitter, I am a huge Avs fan. Unfortunately my beloved Avs are falling out of the sky like the Luftwaffe over London circa 1940. While the return of Peter Forsberg is intriguing, I am spending time during games doing other things rather than giving the games my attention.

I'm not the type of fan to call somebody else a non-fan for not watching because I am starting to get turned off from watching many more games this season. I am turning into one of those fans. My reasoning is, why keep watching something that is only going to make you depressed and angry? It doesn't make me any less of a fan. I just don't like feeling like crap.

They are not out of the playoff race yet but its getting dire. If they don't turn it around soon, I will start looking forward to the NHL entry draft. That's right. The Avs might be so bad, I might watch a draft over an actual game.

Fucking hell. I need a shot.

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Friday, February 4, 2011

Common Types of Super Bowl Viewers

Last years Super Bowl had more than 106 million viewers. It’s the most important game of the NFL season and every NFL fan tunes in. But the game has become such an event, even people who don’t watch a lot of football will watch this game. I've taken it upon myself to point out these types of people so they don't ruin the game for you.

The “My friends, brothers, wife likes team X and so do I” person

This person cheers loudly for every unspectacular successful play for their team while boos mercilessly after every play against. They usually know who the quarterback is…but nobody else on the team. They might wear a jersey or some other kind of paraphernalia which they won’t wear ever again. Hard person to try to talk too as everything about them screams fake. If their team loses, they won’t ever watch the team again. If their team wins, they won’t ever watch the team again.

I bet this guy couldn't name one blind referee.

The “I’m only here to watch the commercials” person

They are glued to the TV for every timeout but don’t bother to watch the actual game. In order for them to get their fulfillment, they hush everybody else to make sure they can hear the commercials and become indignant if you try to persist with a conversation during them. Once the game resumes, they will dissect the intricacies of the commercials to somebody who probably doesn’t give a shit. Not surprisingly, many of these people went to film school or lied about going to film school. Typically not found in a bar so that is your best bet if you want to stay away from them

The “I bet on everything in this game” person

The gambling addict has money on every little thing you can possibly bet on in Las Vegas. They make sure to let everybody know they won $50 at the end of the first quarter because the game is tied at 3 or because there was exactly 3 sacks in the game so far. When they lose they are much more quiet. You can tell when they are losing as they begin to drink more and withdraw from the rest of your group. If things really go south, you might just be able to catch them crying in the bathroom by the end of the game or offering to sell you their shit.

"Norwegian Slot Machine? Ah fuck it. Put me in for fifty."

The “I’m in an office pool” person

Similar to the gambling addict above but more annoying. They only have $20 riding on the game. This person often has a nearly impossible score to achieve in order to win. They will root for one of the teams to score a field goal and a safety, but no more than that by halftime. Also, they will complain when the coach refuses to go for a meaningless 2 point conversion because they had the bad luck of having an 8. Its rare when they win but if they do, expect some over exuberant celebrations.

The party girl

She never turns down a reason to get really, really, drunk and hit on a every guy in the building. They’re very annoying and sad. Some willing guy, enticed by her sexual advances, may end up with her. 20 minutes later he will find himself holding her hair as she vomits and cries into a shinning porcelain bowl filled with regret. She is most annoying if you are watching the game in a bar as her high pitched laughs and squeals pierce the air like a harpy. Good luck hearing anything from the game.

Good Idea: Not sleeping with her. Bad Idea: Typing "Drunk Party Girl" in Google image search.

The “I like football but not this type of football” person

Not all that common but they sure do stick out. They may arrive to the Super Bowl party wearing a Manchester United jersey and carrying a six pack of Guinness. Good beer taste aside, they will spend much of the game comparing football with soccer which they will call football. The name of the sport will actually be half of the conversation. For the rest of the conversation, they will point out how football players stand around an awful lot while football players run for 90 minutes straight. Hopefully this doesn’t happen in a bar because the conversation always turns to faces hitting fists the first time somebody calls it futbol.

The expert

Have an opinion about the game? Well you’re wrong according to this person who is almost always a man. They will give you detailed reasons why Pittsburg should be 6 point favorites, why Green Bay usually blitzes on 3rd and long but won’t during this game, and why the Patriots should be in the Super Bowl instead. Complaints about the broadcasting team run rampant from him and he will quote other so called experts on why they are right or wrong. They let you know their predictions before the game starts and will endlessly gloat their superior knowledge if they end up right. He is usually wrong though and will have a plenty of reasons why his prediction was wrong typically consisting of the coach being an idiot.

Basically the same type of expert

Disclaimer: This column is satirical and not meant to be taken seriously. Any likeness to persons dead or alive is on purpose. You should probably change.

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Tuesday, February 1, 2011

5 people that take it to another level


            When I thought of people skipping a level, or taking it up a notch, I first considered Alec Baldwin’s call to his daughter. Then I heard the Mel Gibson phone call to his ex-girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva. Normally, when you fight with your girlfriend there is a set of unspoken rules you adhere to. You start with childish name calling like “dumb” or “you're sister is hotter than you”. Then, if it heats up you step it up to, “your acting like a bitch…I didn’t call you a bitch I said you are acting like one.” Last is the big gun; you bust out the C-word. The Lethal Weapon said the hell with all that noise, and went all Braveheart on Oksana. Let's go to the break down. The conversation starts out with a disagreement on whether or not she wears reveling clothes. He says she does, she says she doesn’t, she is calm her voice never goes up. Then Mel skips all aforementioned levels by wishing she gets raped by a pack of wild niggers. My first thought was, “did he just make that up or is that something he’s been practicing.”  It involved rape, which I’m sure all women love, and then he takes it up another notch by adding racism to it. Bravo Mad Max, we would like to thank you for crashing through all socially acceptable boundaries and we are looking forward to your new Beaver movie. Seriously his new co-star is a beaver puppet.

            On April 29th 1992 where were you? The LA riots hold strong at number four. They started because 4 white cops were found not guilty of beating one, mister Rodney King. At 3:15pm a verdict was read and at 6:30pm the riot broke out.  The outstanding citizens of South Central Las Angeles could have protested the verdict or put in for a re-trial. Hell, they could have raised money for Rodney King’s medical bills or legal fees; but instead, they were all like, “Lets burn this mother fucka down.” Lets go to the scoreboard: one billion dollars in damages, 53 people dead, and 3600 fires. Ya, you could say they skipped a few levels. In just over 3 hours they went form “did they say NOT guilty.”  To full out riot. Which is impressive it took Gandhi 2 months to get anything done, which proves non-cooperation, non-violence and peaceful resistance is for bitches.

            Uncle Mac, himself, in at number three, Charles Manson. Young mister Manson started out as a car thief and he sucked at it. After spending some time in the pokey he took the next logical step: pimping women and mail fraud. Wouldn’t you know it he sucked at that too! So while he was serving a 7-year sentence, he picked up a steel guitar and called himself a musician. Just as Lil Wayne did on his leather so soft track. If you haven’t seen it look it up, it’s horrifying. When he got out of prison, he started hanging around a bad crowd; namely, the beach boys. Then Terry Melcher, an actual musician, told him he sucked at music. All Manson wanted was to be a rock star, a god of sorts. Manson was pissed, and this is where he jumped up some levels. He could have taken some music lessons or gotten an agent. Not Manson, he skipped all conceivable levels and started his Bond-like-supervillian plot to get Terry Melcher. He started a cult and ordered them to go to Terry Melcher’s house and kill everything in it, which they did. As it turns out, Melcher didn’t live there anymore; Mason sucks at being a false demi-god as well. You make the call: Charles Manson, crazy guy, or extreme level skipper.
What a sweetheart

            Number two is the most popular girl in the Trailer Park…Crystal Meth. She was born in a bathtub in some white trash house down the street from you. Back in the 80’s people used cocaine. It was cool, it gave you a nice rush so you could stay up all night and watch Rockey III on betamax, or go to your local disco Tec and do the Roger Rabbit to the hottest Kool Mo Dee track. Then, in the 2000’s, people were like, “hey, coke's cool but I wanna stay up for six days and pick all the skin off my face.” Meth showed up to answer all those little tweaker's prayers. On coke you can still eat and sleep. Not on Meth, it's on a whole other level, it will keep you up for days at a time, make you think there is a guy named Karl living in your broom closet, and food is one of the only things that won't go in your mouth. They can't even figure out how many people meth has killed. If you Google “how many people have died from meth?” the answer you will get is all of them.

            Numero Uno is Janet “burn your shit down” Reno. This woman is awesome! She wrote the book on going overboard. There were so many incidents where she skipped levels, we had to narrow it down to her greatest hits. In Waco, TX she had just been sworn into office and heard about this 51 day stand off and was like, “fuck that!” She then ordered the FBI to go in and burn it down. Resulting in 73 deaths 15 of them, children. I can’t even begin to explain how many levels she skipped there. Going from negations to killing kids is truly some next level shit. Next up we have the Elian Gonzalez affair. Elian was 6 his mother and stepfather died while trying to flee Cuba to Miami. The relatives with whom the boy was staying, lost custody of the boy to his father, who lived in Cuba. Local law enforcement did nothing; they didn’t want to see this boy go back to evil Cuba. Janet Reno heard about this and said: “Fuck that shit.” She had a fully armed swat team (I’m talking machine guns, and gas masks: the whole nine) run up in this boy’s house and physically remove him from his closet. Why the closet? Because he was scared shitless and hid in it. Ms. Reno could have contacted the family and tried to work out a deal, but not for this ha"bitch"ual level jumper. I heard one time she murdered a family of puppies for defecating on her lawn. This woman does not play. She will go from a 3 to an 11 over any small confrontation, and for this she gets the number one spot.
Stop your crying