Monday, March 28, 2011

Why America Should be Fat

                                                                   Why America Should be Fat

                America should just go with it. You’re fat America, and everything around you intends on making you fatter.  Have you ever been to the Midwest?  It’s 3,984 square miles of fried snickers bars and gunts. (A gunt is where a female’s stomach reaches down to her vagina). America you bang down 7 gram rocks because that’s how you roll, you only have one speed and that’s go; and, for that I love you.

                In addition to the wide array of marketing gimmicks aimed at obese individuals .Certain businesses exploit and profit off of the fat boom in America. You can go to Wal-Mart, for example, and buy a pair of XXXL sweat pants for 3 dollars.  Out-fucking-standing!   Also, when’s the last time you were in an American car? They all have 12 cup holders that can hold 64oz double gulps. Personally, I don’t drive American because, “I’ve a horse outside.”

                If you’re fat you are less likely to die in car accidents. Not only that, but you can survive long periods without food and water. It also takes more bullets to kill you. Fatties, don’t you even worry about drowning, because you lucky plump basterds float. Being fat is badass; it’s like being a sweaty wheezing superhero. The only thing that can kill you is the “beetus” or heart disease.  So, com’on America!  Everyone is doing it, be fat.

When you’re fat you get special powers. What’s that you say, “special powers”?  Yes, special fucking powers; fat people are all instantly funny.  Al Roker was funny as shit when he was fat.  Now he’s just the saggy cornball weatherman.  You will also be awesome at video games.  The best call of duty player I know weighs 192lb. Did I mention he’s only 4’ 7” tall and in the fourth grade; he will “pwn” you while drinking a Code Red .  66 percent of Americans are fat…’on all the cool kids are doing it. Be fat.

In addition to being a pampered superhero, the food is better for fat people.  Who would win in a fight between lima beans and a Twinkie wrapped in bacon, deep-fried, and covered with powdered sugar?  The Twinkie would use its plastic wrapper as a condom to fuck the lima bean in the ass.  The fat-people-food is also more readily available; I can name 5 places to get a hamburger by my house but I can’t think of one place to get a fruit platter. Com’on America just do it, you’re geographically designed to be fat. 

Finally, when you’re fat, you don’t have to worry about sex anymore, because you can’t find your penis. Think about it, no more spending money, and no more baby-mama drama. On the opposite side, if you’re a chick there are 157,006,550 black dudes willing to bring you food and love you. Com’on America let yourselves go; get fat!


Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Summer of 2011: Predicting the Beginning of the End to Superhero Movie Dominance.

In a little more than a month, the summer blockbuster season of movies will begin. Just one look through the coming soon section of IMDB says this is the summer of the comic book superhero movie. It’s even more so than the summer with Spider-Man 3 and X-men: The Last Stand, both of which did great at the box office despite the storylines deciding to massacre my childhood like a 13th century Mongol horde marching through Asia.


One of this summers movies is Thor, which will feature the 208th movie Natalie Portman has been in since November. Another is X-Men: First Class which has that guy from Wanted playing Professor Xavier, proving Hollywood is willing to take dumb risks. Then there is Green Lantern starring Ryan Reynolds, which is bad enough, but made worse by admitting it is going to be an Iron Man rip off. The big one, Captain America: The First Avenger, will probably be called “Captain Solider” for foreign audiences. There is even, yet another “normal guy becomes superhero without powers” comedy called Super being released in April since film companies feel like they have to compete by making the exact same movie as Kick-Ass.

The thing is, the public will eventually sour on superhero movies just like the public sours on anything once there is too much of it, except for Family Guy spin offs which I can only assume exist because Rupert Murdoch refuses to pay the ransom money. Oh yeah, and cooking competition shows.

I just don’t think that there is enough substance for this genre NOT to become stale. Superhero movies are going to be driven into the ground harder than Robin’s boner after watching Batman lift weights. They either ignore the source comic (Spawn), follow the comic too closely (Watchmen, although I like that movie), straight up copy each other like a college exam (many movies have copied Spider-Man 2 by having the hero quit), or decide the story can go fuck itself and just pump the movie full of CGI (every Hulk movie). These problems are not limited to comic book movies mind you, just that they are more apparent here because nerds like myself know these characters almost as well as we know wedgies.

Not to mention Superhero comics are really, really similar anyway. Common themes of secret identities, troubled pasts, lady problems, and living by self imposed morals blend the comics together like a superhero slushee. Coincidentally, many of the villains on these comics have tried to literally make superhero slushees, or, at least the over-the-top ones with Wile E Coyote sized blenders.

50% Iceman, 40% Wolverine, and 10% Gambit for a bit of spice.

Don’t get me wrong, I think there are plenty of great superhero movies, but can any of them be considered some of the best movies of all time? Here are four of the best.
  • X2. Ignoring the fact that nobody knows what this movies actual title is, the biggest problem I had with this movie was small plot points that seemed to be added for filler. For example, Stryker didn’t need to attack the mansion. If his end goal was to kill all mutants, he only needed Professor Xavier (who is hardly in this movie, just like how he is knocked out in the first one or just straight killed in the 3rd movie) and kidnapping the mutant students is unnecessary. It served to only piss off the X-men more. He also didn’t need to try and assassinate the president, which would have little payoff. Making the public even more fearful of mutants doesn’t matter because if all mutants are killed than who cares? What is the public going to do? Cut funding to his terrorist operation?
  • Spider-Man 2. Great movie but also has plot issues. Spidey loses his powers due to stress? That is like saying you’re too stressed out to take a shit. I find that hard to believe considering he got them from a radioactive spider...which is way more plausible. Besides, he gets his powers back the moment him and Mary Jane are attacked by Doctor Octopus. Apparently, having your wannabe girlfriend kidnapped for the millionth time by a robot tentacle man and having your life threatened is not stressful. I should get in more knife fights with cyborgs.
  • Iron Man. How good could this movie actually have been when I, and other people I’ve talked too, can’t remember much about it. Let see, a rich douchbag with no real super powers named Bruce Way- eh, I mean, Tony Stark becomes a superhero after building a robotic suit powered by his nuclear heart in the Arabian desert, or something. Then more stuff happens, then he fights a big Iron Man, then abandons the secret identity thing on television. The end. Now that I think about it, the plot sounds like a short story I wrote in 6th grade.
  • The Dark Knight. I’m not going to make any fans for this one… The Joker’s plans seem too based on luck and circumstance. He is pretty lucky the police truck carrying Harvey Dent would turn down the street with the goons waiting to take down any police helicopters. He’s pretty lucky having Harvey Dent taken to the hospital with explosives attached to it (Or, how did he know Harvey was there, thus deciding to use this hospital?). He is pretty lucky to have the one henchman with the cell phone bomb in his stomach captured when he is captured. He’s pretty lucky to have the hospital bombing planned at the same time the cops were going to raid the warehouse he was in after Maroney tipped off the cops. I know I am nit picking and I don’t need movie plots to be completely plausible, but this was just too much in the unbelievable zone for the more “realistic” Batman Christopher Nolan is trying to portray.
Remember, I like all of these movies and don’t think they are ruined with these flaws. Superhero movies just need to clean up the clich├ęs and the plot holes, which are as common in superhero movies as explosions and military worship are in Micheal Bay movies, to push these movies from great to classic. So when Thor, X-men: First Class, Green Lantern, and Captain America all range from pretty good to gives you cancer bad, they will still make assloads of money and convince Hollywood to continue to make them until the ghost of Ed Wood reclaims what is rightfully his.

Hollywood should give this genre a rest for a while but won’t as long as the movies make money, but I believe that won’t last forever without some fresh ideas. And no, “gritty reboot” doesn‘t count (hello Spider-Man reboot). Besides, doesn’t Hollywood have other 80’s-90’s cartoons they could do live action reboots of? Transformers and GI Joe have been done. Thundercats and He-Man are waiting for their chance to make ass loads of money while sucking the chrome off of Optimus Prime’s exhaust pipe.

Disclaimer: This article is satirical and I predict the Spider-Man reboot in 2012 will be the straw that breaks the camel's back. You heard it here first!

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Thursday, March 17, 2011

Cooking Competition TV Shows Need to Stop.

It seems like at least half of television shows are some version of a cooking competition. Food Network is not alone in this but they are easily the biggest offender.

These shows run the gambit on cooking skill. Chopped is a show where experienced/trained chefs need to make meals out of bizarre ingredients picked by a 10 year old who likes cotton candy for breakfast or some sadistic asshole who has a grudge against restaurant menus. Worst Cooks in America on the other hand has terrible cooks competing for money and the chance to learn techniques they will never use at home. Seriously, these people will never debone a chicken again.

Demon Chicken has no bones.

Then there are shows like Next Food Network Star and Next Iron Chef which are competition shows to find somebody to be on another show. Viewers get interested in their stars during the competition than promptly forget about them once they win. Kind of like that Sanjaya kid from American Idol or winners of American Idol not named Carrie Underwood. Although the only reason people remember her is because they think she’s Taylor Swift, so it may not be the best of comparisons.

The godfather of cooking competition shows is Iron Chef America based on the original Iron Chef that was syndicated from Japan with cheesy English dubs and used sound effects that were rejected in Bruce Campbell movies. The original wasn’t popular in Japan but that didn’t stop network executives from thinking it was perfect for American audiences. And, depressingly, they were right and it bafflingly became a phenomenon. I swear most people just wanted to see the octopus episode because people are into slaughtering live cephalopods before they try to take over the world with their psychic soccer predicting abilities.

AHHHHH. They can fly too?!?!?

A new show, not on Food Network but NBC instead, called The Next Great Restaurant is a cooking competition where one of the judges is Steve Ells, the founder of Chipotle. He criticized a build-your-own wraps maker for not having a concept people would be interested in…as opposed to a build-your-own burritos concept? He basically dissed his own restaurants without realizing it. Maybe he did know and just didn’t want the competition since the difference between a wrap and a burrito is xenophobia. But if he really thinks a concept that is really similar to Chipotle won’t work, than Qdoba humbly requests you shut down. Also, nobody has any reason to believe he is a food expert. He might as well be an expert in John Boehner’s School for Climate Science since he is just spewing bullshit.

All the other shows are cupcake related or have Gordon Ramsey. Ramsey probably has a good case to call himself an expert since he has many successful restaurants, although apparently lots of screaming, not good food and service, is the most important thing to be successful. And nobody claims to be a cupcake expert because that title is lame. About as lame as pop culture comedy blogger.

So, why am I talking about cooking competition shows?

Because all of these shows are based on the premise that a food tasting expert is a thing that exists. The taste of food is completely subjective and the judging of food is based on arbitrary parameters looser than Paris Hilton on vacation in Singapore. Two people can have wildly different opinions on identical meals and these various judges are no different.

They call themselves food experts but nobody can become an expert in something that requires nothing to learn. People don’t have to learn to taste food (cooking yes, tasting no). There is no food critic dogma. Nobody likes anything overcooked? That’s not true. I dated somebody that likes burgers burned until they are as black as her heart. Cook all pasta al dente? Some people like it cooked soft due to our teeth hurting from too much soda, and because dentists are dicks. Never mix cheese and seafood? Martha Stewart will skull fuck you.

Dentist chair or medieval torture device?

Basically, the outcomes of these competitions are based on the arbitrary opinions of people who are not any better at tasting food than anybody else and thus based on luck. Winning a cooking competition means absolutely nothing, therefore, these shows as a concept have no weight on who is a better chef or cook among contestants.

There. Somebody said it. Can we stop making these shows now?

Disclaimer: This article is satirical and admittedly not my best.

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Thursday, March 10, 2011

Obsolete Technology People Don't Notice Much.

There is a lot of obsolete crap still hanging around after new technology rendered them unnecessary. Many are obvious but there are a few that fly under the radar and largely go unnoticed.

Honorable mention to phone books which are unnoticed until you see them in front of your door only to immediately throw them away.

Wrist Watches

One of a bazillion things made obsolete by cell phones. Not like that has stopped my parents from buying me one as a gift every 5 years despite not wearing a watch since P Diddy was named Puff Daddy (speaking of which, what is a Puff Daddy? Some sort of marshmallow father?). Watches are nothing more than fancy bracelets like those Italian charm bracelets that were never popular in the late 90’s but I nonetheless wore. Why? Because my ex-girlfriend, also known as Whorbo Baggins, was a lunatic and thought it would look good. I have since grown a pair.

Watches could be more obsolete though

Travel Agents

Yes, they still exist. There are several near my home according to Google maps. Most seem to specialize in sea cruises which I find odd considering I live in Colorado. I can’t imagine they are any cheaper than their online competitors since they must have raised their prices to stay afloat, pun intended. They have always been middle men anyway since people could always buy tickets directly from the airline, cruise, hotel, etc. I guess travel agents can give more of a personal touch while planning your trip by claiming they have been to the place you’re trying to go too which is probably a lie. Your travel agent has been on the no fly list for years after taking a “History of US/Middle East Relations” class in college.

Fax Machines

If somebody asks if they can have something faxed to them, they should immediately be set on fire. Fax machines became obsolete the first time somebody figured out how to attach a file to e-mail. Congress should pass a law requiring the nation to go all Office Space on every fax machine in the country. Even when fax machines were useful, they were a pain in the ass. Every time I see “paper jam” light up on a fax machine (and printers) I go into a violent rage until I commit several felonies and wind up naked in the shit hole better known as Utah.

Some have started turning tricks on the street to avoid my paper jam wrath

Traditional Pay-Per-View Channels

PPV started out similar to On Demand (which is hilariously ran by a company called iNDEMAND. Under Demand, Around Demand, and Demand Demand all coming soon). It offers movies that you could rent after the movies were in theaters but before they came out on video. Traditional PPV channels still exist despite On Demand improving on the original concept, although, it's mostly just boxing, UFC, and porn now. The obsoleteness, which surprisingly is a word, of porn PPV is obvious with the internet. I guess some people never got the memo. Maybe it was faxed to them.

As for PPV boxing, I am amazed boxing still exists. Floyd Mayweather Jr. gets attention but he is a weapons grade asshole. Manny Pacquiao is popular but I doubt most people know what he looks like. Most boxing matches seem to go to decision in which judges score the fight with a system best described as a schizophrenic doing long division. Let’s see, 25 divided by buffalo, equals Mars, carry the lemon….Pacquiao wins 120 Donald Sutherlands to Antonio Margarito’s 108 Peter Framptons.

UFC would benefit from leaving PPV as it is gaining popularity and one trip to a sports bar airing a PPV UFC title fight shows that their fans are some classy individuals. I can’t tell what is more entertaining; the main event or the bar fights. Unless all MMA fights can break the stigma of being the sport for douche bags, which they are doing a poor job of with so many fighters being trained at Cobra Kai, it will remain a niche sport. Having the main event on expensive PPV channels next to Back Alley Sluts: Dumpster Humpster isn't good for exposure either.

Another type of "pay-per-view" but without fighting or boobs...usually

Disclaimer: This article is satirical and heavily tongue-in-cheek. But seriously, I will fuck up the next fax machine that gives me paper jam sass. Also, if my buddy reads this, you are not a douche bag.

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Wednesday, March 2, 2011

4 Stupid Criminals Who Are Incredibly Ballsy

There is little argument about the stupidity and/or insanity of many criminals but one thing that is often ignored is the gargantuan balls criminals have to do some of the things they do. For example…

"I'm High on Cocaine!"
“When Tony Deloach crashed into a parked car he forgot about the cocaine-laced rolled bill in his Camaro until an officer found it. Deloach then screamed "I'm high on cocaine!" and tried fleeing on foot. He didn't get far.”
Well done. You got straight to the point by skipping the inevitable police question of “have you been using any illegal substances tonight?” That’s ballsy. Also, crazy. A battle cry like “I’m high on cocaine!” might scare some people but not when you start running in the other direction. Besides, with police involved, that profound statement may lead to the most hilarious chase sequence since Benny Hill decided to use chase sequences so much that they would be the only thing anybody thinks about when remembering Benny Hill. Not in this case however as you were already handcuffed and I don’t think Houdini did his amazing escapes while on drugs. Although if Houdini was on drugs during his shows, then sir, you are no escape artist. You’re more like a Rick James impersonator.
FYI - "He was just trying to buy the drink and got confused" does not hold up in court.

18,000 Prank 911 Calls
“An East Los Angeles man who allegedly made more than 18,000 prank 911 cellphone calls over six months was arrested Friday, the California Highway Patrol said.”
I see. The old “deactivated cell phone” trick so the cops can’t get the phone number or locate you. Smart. Too bad the rest of this story is idiotic, but gutsy still. 18,000 calls to anybody in a 6 month time frame is devotion sir. How the cops let it get to 18,000 calls is amazing in and of itself too but somebody has to test their resolve. Too bad you got caught by the California Highway Patrol though. Everybody knows the LAPD is the way to go if you really want to get your name out there.

The story does not say why you made these prank calls but I can only assume you are either a mind reader or from the future. If you’re a psychic, every sick and twisted thing you hear another person think makes you call 911 even when some of those things, like somebody imagining they are the Terminator while going on a violent rampage without an Austrian accent, is not plausible. Everybody knows the Austrian accent is a must. However, if you’re from the future, you are doing society a big favor by calling in every crime as it happens no matter how small the crime is. The police appreciate all the help catching those jaywalkers and their blight on human society. I'm sure they have nothing better to do.

Chicken Pisser.
"Police arrested a man who allegedly caused quite a disturbance earlier this week when he urinated on food inside a Kroger grocery store in North Little Rock, Ark."
Yeah! Fuck chickens! Who cares if they are already dead (or, at least I assume it’s a “they”. How else do you piss on $500 worth of chicken)? Those flightless birds have been mocking mankind for way too long by continuing to live for a minute or so after their heads have been chopped off. It's obviously some sort of witchcraft. Colonel Sanders was a well known practitioner of dark magic after all. source needed

Bonus points for doing this directly in the grocery store too. You don’t waste time. I know the store employees may frown upon this but somebody has to send a message to chickens everywhere that humans will not just fly the coop when the inevitable human-chicken war begins. Also, you are probably going to be registered as a sex offender now since you whipped your junk out in public. I’m sure people will not jump to any conclusions when they see your name on a sex offender map though. Just kidding. You’re fucked. That shit is never coming off your record.

Demon chicken will not accept this disrespect to his corpse

Burglary Nap
"A Malaysian court has slapped a five-year prison sentence on a burglar who was found sleeping in a house he broke into."
I can’t help but feel you're being a little unoriginal here although this feels classic. Nothing says, “I straight up don’t give a fuck” than taking a nap during your crime. That’s hardcore considering Malaysia doesn't fuck around when it comes to punishment. I’m amazed they didn’t execute you, not for burglary, but for being so brash about your crime.

I don’t know what your logic was while stealing and deciding something along the lines of "This is hard work. I have plenty of time for a nap." but I refuse to believe you thought that. I believe you valiantly threw two middle fingers into the air to the authorities by mocking their ability to arrest you with a well deserved break. You take inspiration from Thoreau except you were not imprisoned for a noble cause like ending slavery, so…wait, you’re nothing like Thoreau. You’re that guy who, while committing a crime, immediately forgets they are committing said crime. This is why your application to join Oceans 14 was denied. George Clooney would have left you sleeping at a bus stop.

Disclaimer: This article is satirical. Crime isn't worth it unless you're a super rich CEO. Chicken is too delicious to be feared.

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