Thursday, March 10, 2011

Obsolete Technology People Don't Notice Much.

There is a lot of obsolete crap still hanging around after new technology rendered them unnecessary. Many are obvious but there are a few that fly under the radar and largely go unnoticed.

Honorable mention to phone books which are unnoticed until you see them in front of your door only to immediately throw them away.

Wrist Watches

One of a bazillion things made obsolete by cell phones. Not like that has stopped my parents from buying me one as a gift every 5 years despite not wearing a watch since P Diddy was named Puff Daddy (speaking of which, what is a Puff Daddy? Some sort of marshmallow father?). Watches are nothing more than fancy bracelets like those Italian charm bracelets that were never popular in the late 90’s but I nonetheless wore. Why? Because my ex-girlfriend, also known as Whorbo Baggins, was a lunatic and thought it would look good. I have since grown a pair.

Watches could be more obsolete though

Travel Agents

Yes, they still exist. There are several near my home according to Google maps. Most seem to specialize in sea cruises which I find odd considering I live in Colorado. I can’t imagine they are any cheaper than their online competitors since they must have raised their prices to stay afloat, pun intended. They have always been middle men anyway since people could always buy tickets directly from the airline, cruise, hotel, etc. I guess travel agents can give more of a personal touch while planning your trip by claiming they have been to the place you’re trying to go too which is probably a lie. Your travel agent has been on the no fly list for years after taking a “History of US/Middle East Relations” class in college.

Fax Machines

If somebody asks if they can have something faxed to them, they should immediately be set on fire. Fax machines became obsolete the first time somebody figured out how to attach a file to e-mail. Congress should pass a law requiring the nation to go all Office Space on every fax machine in the country. Even when fax machines were useful, they were a pain in the ass. Every time I see “paper jam” light up on a fax machine (and printers) I go into a violent rage until I commit several felonies and wind up naked in the shit hole better known as Utah.

Some have started turning tricks on the street to avoid my paper jam wrath

Traditional Pay-Per-View Channels

PPV started out similar to On Demand (which is hilariously ran by a company called iNDEMAND. Under Demand, Around Demand, and Demand Demand all coming soon). It offers movies that you could rent after the movies were in theaters but before they came out on video. Traditional PPV channels still exist despite On Demand improving on the original concept, although, it's mostly just boxing, UFC, and porn now. The obsoleteness, which surprisingly is a word, of porn PPV is obvious with the internet. I guess some people never got the memo. Maybe it was faxed to them.

As for PPV boxing, I am amazed boxing still exists. Floyd Mayweather Jr. gets attention but he is a weapons grade asshole. Manny Pacquiao is popular but I doubt most people know what he looks like. Most boxing matches seem to go to decision in which judges score the fight with a system best described as a schizophrenic doing long division. Let’s see, 25 divided by buffalo, equals Mars, carry the lemon….Pacquiao wins 120 Donald Sutherlands to Antonio Margarito’s 108 Peter Framptons.

UFC would benefit from leaving PPV as it is gaining popularity and one trip to a sports bar airing a PPV UFC title fight shows that their fans are some classy individuals. I can’t tell what is more entertaining; the main event or the bar fights. Unless all MMA fights can break the stigma of being the sport for douche bags, which they are doing a poor job of with so many fighters being trained at Cobra Kai, it will remain a niche sport. Having the main event on expensive PPV channels next to Back Alley Sluts: Dumpster Humpster isn't good for exposure either.

Another type of "pay-per-view" but without fighting or boobs...usually

Disclaimer: This article is satirical and heavily tongue-in-cheek. But seriously, I will fuck up the next fax machine that gives me paper jam sass. Also, if my buddy reads this, you are not a douche bag.

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  1. Haha I love it that you'll fuck up the next fax machine! :P I hate them too! :D

  2. Just a few years back I recieved two wristwatches for christmas, it was nice of them to get me something, but I have no use for them.

  3. Great list, but i love my wrist watch :)

  4. Well, a wrist watch is like a car, it shows how much money and taste you have, so I don't think it's something obsolete, not at all.

  5. nice list.
    fax machine, I remember the time...

  6. Wrist watches :amen:
    Nice list BTW

  7. interesting stuff thanks for posting.

  8. But... but.. my dad still uses a fax machine for his business... T_T lol

  9. hahahaha very good post, jeebus.