Why TLC is the Worst Channel on Television, Part 2

A few months ago I wrote my first blog post making the argument that TLC is the worst channel on TV, basically calling it a mix of freak shows and idiots on display. Those shows are enough to prove my point but in retrospect, I could have made a much stronger argument. I left off some of the worst offending shows. I wasn’t hard enough on TLC.

TLC kills polar bears

So here is part two of my argument (with part three, including the worst two shows on the network, appearing next week).

Extreme Couponing

Firstly, some coupons are worthless since many coupon items are on sale anyway or they discount a pathetic 10 cents on an item, which is pointless unless you’re buying enough food to feed a crowd at a Nickelback concert. Secondly, you know coupons are a shit show when you get a high number of hits for searching “coupon scams” and “coupon myths”. Basically, it boils down to some coupons being worth it, some doing nothing, and some robbing you with their fancy math.

People who partake in “extreme couponing“, which is about as extreme as The Extreme Filling Out Tax Form 1040A Championships, didn‘t get the memo. They take up coupon cutting like a child, or rather sad adult, who just discovered Pokemon. Gotta collect them all!

Coupon storage box

Somehow, people who are really into saving money via coupon cutting is worthy of a TV show. It’s compelling theater. Watch as shopaholics spend the equivalent amount of time as a full time job cutting coupons and stockpiling products like there is going to be an imminent nuclear war. Marvel at six member families staying impossibly thin eating that much mayonnaise (fast forward to the 0.50 mark). Bask in the glory of a dumpster diver finding her fix like a heroin junkie with what sounds like a Jane’s Addiction cover playing in the background for unintentional comedy.

And seriously, who spends over $1,200 at the grocery store before using their coupons? Does your family have the metabolisms of Gary Busey on a week long Meth binge?

Four Weddings

Apparently TLC thought there wasn’t enough drama in a wedding so they created this terrible show where four brides go to each others weddings to decide whom had the best in order to win a spectacular honeymoon. Admittedly, that is pretty tame according to TLC standards. “What’s wrong TLC? You couldn’t fill all the contestants slots with brides that have brain tumors, compulsorily eat light bulbs, wear shower curtains as dresses, and are sexually attracted to fire?” To give the show credit, it’s not as borderline offensive or as blisteringly stupid as the others, but to pump the same amount of money as the GDP of Nigeria into your wedding in order to top the others tells me you could probably afford your dream honeymoon on your own. Well, you could before the wedding normally reserved for Columbian drug lords.

Losers are left to honeymoon here

And oh yeah, these brides are bitches. Since they fill out score cards on each other, they will nit pick any little thing in order to give their competitors a smaller score. They trash the traditional Indian wedding because of the food (yea xenophobia!). They trash the Catholic wedding because they had to get up a lot (yea laziness!). Another complained about a bride wearing bridal sneakers (yea stereotypical female shoe worship!). One bride complained about the appearance of the building the ceremony was in (yea architecture snobs?). Brides just love being judged for not being good enough on their wedding day.

"You're not using a sandy beach? How barbaric!"

Also, just in case anybody was wondering, the four brides change every episode which means four weddings every episode. This is not a show where they follow around four brides for an entire season showing all the planning going into the weddings too, oh no, this is much more painful. This is Chinese water torture. You wouldn’t think it would be that bad but the repetitive dripping of wedding after wedding will force all fans of this show (and lets face it, it’s all women, maybe some gay guys too) to get delusions of grandeur. Grandeur where they will refuse to marry anyone unless they can have a wedding ring made out of the gold from Fort Knox, have the ceremony on a comet, and sink millions of dollars into research to raise a zombie John Lennon to perform at the reception. Money well spent!


Part 3 is here.

Disclaimer: This article is satirical. I truly think TLC is awful but it gives me material so...

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