Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Celebrities that suck at stuff

                                                              Worst Cross over’s

                Sometimes when athletes, actors or musicians are at the apex or the twilight of their careers they decide to attempt a crossover. Be it an actress that tries to be a country singer or a Rapper that attempts to president of Haiti (Really, Wyclef?).  Maybe the person’s entourage tells them that their music is amazing, or maybe they get nominated for an Oscar and are like, “I’m going to make a fucking country album, how hard can that be?”  Now, let’s make fun of some people that took risks and tried new things.
Vote for Clef


                There are a bevy of juiced up jocks that try to master “the sweet language of angels.”  I don’t know of one athlete that has gotten close to creating a worthy album. Ever heard Shaq’s LP or John Daily’s country album? They are atrocious; but, neither are as hideous as Carl Lewis’s “Break it up.”  I love Carl Lewis; the man has 19 gold medals. He is one of the best athletes to ever come out of the red white and blue’s womb. Have you ever been kicked in the nuts and the only thing getting you thru the pain was knowing it’s going to be over soon, well this video is like that.  After watching it I was so embarrassed for Carl, I couldn’t make eye contact with other humans for eight days.  I just rolled up in the fetal position and cried. It’s painful, but please watch until the end of the video and, explain to me what the fuck is going on.


                 Mos Def, Justin Timberlake and Marky Mark all are decent actors. Have you seen Marky Mark in the Departed?  My boy’s got mad acting skills. Some musicians can act but, for the most part they suck at it.  Louise Veronica Ciccone, aka Madonna, makes that chick from twilight look like Judy Dench.  I know what some of you are thinking, “Aww, Madonna won a gold globe in Evita.” First, I want to start by telling you to go fuck yourself.  Second, she appeared in six movies from 1980 to 1991 where her acting was so atrocious that it makes that  golden globe null and void. However, there is one pop star that stands out.  In 1991, the movie “Cool as Ice” came out.  It’s a rap oriented re-make of "Rebel Without a Cause," starring Vanilla Ice.  A lot of you just rolled your eyes back and uttered, “shit I remember that.”  If you are one of the people lucky enough to be born before 1983, you know of what I speak. If you haven’t seen it…well I just watched it and half way thru I broke a beer bottle in-half, ran across the room screaming, and stabbed my TV for 20 minutes.


                Now it’s time for my favorite crossover, Actors that put out music. Jared Leto from 30 Seconds To Mars made an ok crossover.  There are three actors that come to mind when I think of bad celebrity albums.  Russell Crowe: it’s just plain awful.  Steven Segal’s “Songs from The Crystal Cave” album includes a wonderful reggae track where he expresses “Me want the poonani, see for make nice.” That’s right ladies Stevey has a hankering  for your poonani’s. Then I came across a rare piece of music entitled “De-Pressed” written by Cory Feldman.  Cory has put out four albums, and I have no clue how.  I have listened to all four albums. Words can’t describe how shity they are.  The lyrics sound like some 8th grade girl wrote them.  He puts a saxophone solo in every other song to add some maturity and class; because, nothing says class like a sax solo in a rap-rock song about Michael Jackson molesting you. To top it all off he can’t sing, it just sounds like Michelangelo from the ninja turtles screaming over a symphony of cats getting sodomized by rakes. God took the wrong Cory!  With all that being said, I highly recommend it.  I have his song, “Soul Search part3” as my ringtone.

 

46 comments:

  1. 50 cent in get rich and die trying did a good job, so did eminem.

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  2. Nice man! Loving the video at the bottom!

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  3. When didn't Corey Feldman embarrass himself?

    RIP Corey Haim.

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  4. Great post. To add, Lil Wayne and rock. sigh.

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  5. No amount of wicked camera angles could make Cory Feldman look like a good dancer.

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  6. Stuff like this need to be noted and saved for posterity :D

    For the laughs and giggles and so that some of the stuff don't repeat it self. EVER!

    Cheers

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  7. @Archon:More like Lil Wayne and music.sigh.

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  8. I couldn't even make myself to listen any of Segal's songs up to the end. Music isn't what he was born for

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  9. I fucking hate Wyclef Jean! Hate Him, Hate him, hate him!!

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  10. That first sentence reminded me of Michael Jordan and when he went from Basketball to Baseball. Good post, and that first video... wow.

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  11. Oh man, Vanilla Ice. There's a blast from the past.

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  12. good post, jeebus... and thanks for you kind words at my post.

    p.s.: I would vote for Wyclef, maybe that would draw some attention to that country that needs so much help.

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  13. Love how you don't hold back. He was Shite... so was he... and him. hehe, so true though. Nice post.

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  14. I though watching Steven Seagal singing was horrible, but that video of Carl Lewis is just... OMFG, and at the end he enters a sauna with an old bitch.

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  15. Haha Carl Lewis is goddam hilarious.

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  16. vanilla ice is a classic example

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  17. Oh god.
    Oh good god.
    That was absolutely horrible.
    They deserve to die, in the name of the Arts. lol.

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  18. Sometimes is hard being young, wealthy and smart.

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  19. Vanilla ice is on 'Dancing on Ice', lol. It's such a joke!

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  20. I loved watching Vanilla on that TV show... RAGEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEe

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  21. everything Vanilla ice did/does is instantly hilarious..

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  22. lol cool as ice!
    did anyone see vanilla ice on a reallity show in the uk based on a farm? ohh was funny.

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  23. That may be one of the worst singing I've heard in a long time.

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  24. This is hilarious. I can't believe people sometimes.

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  25. Haha I love reading your blog man, original subject to write about too! But please don't ever ask me to watch another one of those athlete songs again! That whole thing with the granny was...disturbing

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  26. Do not want. Why would you tell me about these things? D:

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  27. Oh dear god....Celebrities are already dumb enough WITHOUT trying to do something they're not good at.

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  28. Haha, Vanilla Ice the movie. Thought I'd seen it all!

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  29. Carl Lewis just made me vomit over my dog...

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  30. Carl Lewis and Vanilla Ice = Worlds Biggest Failures lol

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