Who doesn’t love boobs? We have compiled a list of the best places to see free boobs, because lets face it nobody wants to pay a 25 dollar cover charge to see some hag with a caesarean scar and cigarette burns shake her nasty boobies. So without further ado, I bring you the best place to see free boobies.
Mardigras. If you like young middle to upper class white boobies, this is where you should be. For the price of some plastic beads, you can make young drunk white girls flash you the boob. This is nothing more than an excuse for these inebriated girls to do what comes naturally; namely, pull their shirts up and scream, “WOOOO, I’m so wasted, Mardigras, WOOOHOOO.” It’s important that the individual scream the name of the event they are at when said girl flashes her boobage.
My Tenth Birthday. Believe me you would have seen some boobs. After my mom has about 5 sambucca and cokes, she likes to show everyone how “free spirited” she is. I will never forget it. As soon as I blew out my candles wishing for a new nerf gun, my mother pulled up her shirt and screamed “WOOOO, I’m so wasted.. My Baby’s Birthday, WOOHOOO MOTHERFUCKERS!” Fourth grade was tough.
The Office X-mas party. Oh hell ya! There gunna be some boobies! Every office has at least one girl that will drink too much, flash her boobies, make out with some random dude, and puke. Not always in that order; but, for the guy being kissed, it’s preferred. If you are lucky your office will have more than one of these girls. It’s natural for them to engage in a competition of how many times they flash their boobies. All night at the party you will hear “WOOOOO, I’m so wasted, MERRY CHRISTMAS, WOOOHOOO!” in the back ground. It truly is a Christmas miracle.
Sturgis, South Dakota. Every year in South Dakota, massive numbers of middle-aged people gather. Not, as you might think, to see Mount Rushmore; instead, they ride their motorcycles around and get drunk, fight, and flash some titties. Be forewarned, these are not your nice Mardigras boobies. They are giant, fake, scary boobs. The formula is simple: no beads or dollar bills needed. All you have to do is scream, “HEY YOU, SHOW ME YOUR TITS!” and by some big fake titty magic they appear.
Cancun, Mexico. Always! You will always see boobs in Cancun. I once heard a girl scream “WOOO, IM SO WASTED. FLAG DAY! WOOOHOOOOO!”
Lynard Skynard Concert. All Skynard concerts, but also, every Kid Rock and Jimmy Buffet show, and others of their ilk. Once again you are warned. You go to a Skynard or Buffet concert you will see boobs, but they are sad boobies: old, fat, blue, veiny boobies. These chicks drink so much they forget that they are 53 year old substitute teachers. They smoke so much pot that they are whisked away to a time when they were much younger, hotter, and tighter. I have seen a 240 lb women manage to pull her tight tank top over three levels of rolls, only to have her floppy sad boobs slide down to her belt buckle as she screams, “WOOO, I’M WASTED. BUFFET! WOOOHOOO!”.
Spring Break. Then there is always Spring Break motherfuckers. Spring break.