Why America Should be Fat
America should just go with it. You’re fat America, and everything around you intends on making you fatter. Have you ever been to the Midwest? It’s 3,984 square miles of fried snickers bars and gunts. (A gunt is where a female’s stomach reaches down to her vagina). America you bang down 7 gram rocks because that’s how you roll, you only have one speed and that’s go; and, for that I love you.
In addition to the wide array of marketing gimmicks aimed at obese individuals .Certain businesses exploit and profit off of the fat boom in America. You can go to Wal-Mart, for example, and buy a pair of XXXL sweat pants for 3 dollars. Out-fucking-standing! Also, when’s the last time you were in an American car? They all have 12 cup holders that can hold 64oz double gulps. Personally, I don’t drive American because, “I’ve a horse outside.”
If you’re fat you are less likely to die in car accidents. Not only that, but you can survive long periods without food and water. It also takes more bullets to kill you. Fatties, don’t you even worry about drowning, because you lucky plump basterds float. Being fat is badass; it’s like being a sweaty wheezing superhero. The only thing that can kill you is the “beetus” or heart disease. So, com’on America! Everyone is doing it, be fat.
When you’re fat you get special powers. What’s that you say, “special powers”? Yes, special fucking powers; fat people are all instantly funny. Al Roker was funny as shit when he was fat. Now he’s just the saggy cornball weatherman. You will also be awesome at video games. The best call of duty player I know weighs 192lb. Did I mention he’s only 4’ 7” tall and in the fourth grade; he will “pwn” you while drinking a Code Red . 66 percent of Americans are fat…..com’on all the cool kids are doing it. Be fat.
In addition to being a pampered superhero, the food is better for fat people. Who would win in a fight between lima beans and a Twinkie wrapped in bacon, deep-fried, and covered with powdered sugar? The Twinkie would use its plastic wrapper as a condom to fuck the lima bean in the ass. The fat-people-food is also more readily available; I can name 5 places to get a hamburger by my house but I can’t think of one place to get a fruit platter. Com’on America just do it, you’re geographically designed to be fat.
Finally, when you’re fat, you don’t have to worry about sex anymore, because you can’t find your penis. Think about it, no more spending money, and no more baby-mama drama. On the opposite side, if you’re a chick there are 157,006,550 black dudes willing to bring you food and love you. Com’on America let yourselves go; get fat!