Tuesday, February 1, 2011

5 people that take it to another level


            When I thought of people skipping a level, or taking it up a notch, I first considered Alec Baldwin’s call to his daughter. Then I heard the Mel Gibson phone call to his ex-girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva. Normally, when you fight with your girlfriend there is a set of unspoken rules you adhere to. You start with childish name calling like “dumb” or “you're sister is hotter than you”. Then, if it heats up you step it up to, “your acting like a bitch…I didn’t call you a bitch I said you are acting like one.” Last is the big gun; you bust out the C-word. The Lethal Weapon said the hell with all that noise, and went all Braveheart on Oksana. Let's go to the break down. The conversation starts out with a disagreement on whether or not she wears reveling clothes. He says she does, she says she doesn’t, she is calm her voice never goes up. Then Mel skips all aforementioned levels by wishing she gets raped by a pack of wild niggers. My first thought was, “did he just make that up or is that something he’s been practicing.”  It involved rape, which I’m sure all women love, and then he takes it up another notch by adding racism to it. Bravo Mad Max, we would like to thank you for crashing through all socially acceptable boundaries and we are looking forward to your new Beaver movie. Seriously his new co-star is a beaver puppet.

            On April 29th 1992 where were you? The LA riots hold strong at number four. They started because 4 white cops were found not guilty of beating one, mister Rodney King. At 3:15pm a verdict was read and at 6:30pm the riot broke out.  The outstanding citizens of South Central Las Angeles could have protested the verdict or put in for a re-trial. Hell, they could have raised money for Rodney King’s medical bills or legal fees; but instead, they were all like, “Lets burn this mother fucka down.” Lets go to the scoreboard: one billion dollars in damages, 53 people dead, and 3600 fires. Ya, you could say they skipped a few levels. In just over 3 hours they went form “did they say NOT guilty.”  To full out riot. Which is impressive it took Gandhi 2 months to get anything done, which proves non-cooperation, non-violence and peaceful resistance is for bitches.

            Uncle Mac, himself, in at number three, Charles Manson. Young mister Manson started out as a car thief and he sucked at it. After spending some time in the pokey he took the next logical step: pimping women and mail fraud. Wouldn’t you know it he sucked at that too! So while he was serving a 7-year sentence, he picked up a steel guitar and called himself a musician. Just as Lil Wayne did on his leather so soft track. If you haven’t seen it look it up, it’s horrifying. When he got out of prison, he started hanging around a bad crowd; namely, the beach boys. Then Terry Melcher, an actual musician, told him he sucked at music. All Manson wanted was to be a rock star, a god of sorts. Manson was pissed, and this is where he jumped up some levels. He could have taken some music lessons or gotten an agent. Not Manson, he skipped all conceivable levels and started his Bond-like-supervillian plot to get Terry Melcher. He started a cult and ordered them to go to Terry Melcher’s house and kill everything in it, which they did. As it turns out, Melcher didn’t live there anymore; Mason sucks at being a false demi-god as well. You make the call: Charles Manson, crazy guy, or extreme level skipper.
What a sweetheart

            Number two is the most popular girl in the Trailer Park…Crystal Meth. She was born in a bathtub in some white trash house down the street from you. Back in the 80’s people used cocaine. It was cool, it gave you a nice rush so you could stay up all night and watch Rockey III on betamax, or go to your local disco Tec and do the Roger Rabbit to the hottest Kool Mo Dee track. Then, in the 2000’s, people were like, “hey, coke's cool but I wanna stay up for six days and pick all the skin off my face.” Meth showed up to answer all those little tweaker's prayers. On coke you can still eat and sleep. Not on Meth, it's on a whole other level, it will keep you up for days at a time, make you think there is a guy named Karl living in your broom closet, and food is one of the only things that won't go in your mouth. They can't even figure out how many people meth has killed. If you Google “how many people have died from meth?” the answer you will get is all of them.

            Numero Uno is Janet “burn your shit down” Reno. This woman is awesome! She wrote the book on going overboard. There were so many incidents where she skipped levels, we had to narrow it down to her greatest hits. In Waco, TX she had just been sworn into office and heard about this 51 day stand off and was like, “fuck that!” She then ordered the FBI to go in and burn it down. Resulting in 73 deaths 15 of them, children. I can’t even begin to explain how many levels she skipped there. Going from negations to killing kids is truly some next level shit. Next up we have the Elian Gonzalez affair. Elian was 6 his mother and stepfather died while trying to flee Cuba to Miami. The relatives with whom the boy was staying, lost custody of the boy to his father, who lived in Cuba. Local law enforcement did nothing; they didn’t want to see this boy go back to evil Cuba. Janet Reno heard about this and said: “Fuck that shit.” She had a fully armed swat team (I’m talking machine guns, and gas masks: the whole nine) run up in this boy’s house and physically remove him from his closet. Why the closet? Because he was scared shitless and hid in it. Ms. Reno could have contacted the family and tried to work out a deal, but not for this ha"bitch"ual level jumper. I heard one time she murdered a family of puppies for defecating on her lawn. This woman does not play. She will go from a 3 to an 11 over any small confrontation, and for this she gets the number one spot.
Stop your crying


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