Virtual Reality Sex (It would suck).

All I really want is a real life Star Trek Holodeck. Is that so much to ask? A fully submersive virtual reality where anything, and I mean anything, is possible. It would be the greatest invention the world has ever known. Who wouldn’t want to spend an afternoon fighting ninjas, shooting robots with lasers, eating mushrooms with Mario, getting drunk with Frank Sinatra and boning Anne Hathaway on top of Mount Everest while simultaneously playing the ass kickingist guitar solo the world has ever heard? Nobody, that’s who!

In the 1980’s and 90’s, as technology pushed onward full steam ahead, a future full of awesome Holodecks seemed possible. Computers were getting faster processors and larger hard drives for all that porn slowly downloaded from dial-up modems. Video game systems were fighting a proxy war via plumbers and hedgehogs which no prophets predicted. CGI was making it’s debut in the theaters in movies like Terminator 2 and Jurassic Park which impressed some film makers so much that they decided CGI is the only thing needed to compensate for awful, awful storytelling. It was only natural to wonder what was the next step but the consensus goal came down to one thing; virtual reality.

This does not help the goofy nerd stereotype.

Virtual reality was the most hyped future advancement during those decades. Flying cars, bionic body parts, space travel, and fucking hoverboards all came second to VR (and ignoring hoverboards should be deemed a crime against humanity). Tech companies played around with all sorts of headsets and other peripherals to achieve a fully submersive 3-D environment in which somebody can live out their disgusting fantasies. It wasn’t just about trying to achieve realistic 3-D environments you could see but actually be a part of, kind of like combining a 3-D movie with a video game. Basically it’s Scott Pilgrim vs. The World except the always awkward Michael Cera is not awkwardly turning Scott Pilgrim into a much more awkward character than he is supposed to be. Instead, you get to play Scott Pilgrim. It should be noted, Mary Elizabeth Winstead can stay on as my Ramona though. She can “stay on” my anything.

Do the carpets match the drapes?

While investors where looking to put virtual reality in all kinds of fields, the general public only really cared about it’s uses for entertainment. The questions consumers ask about new technology are: “How do I have sex with it?” and “Will it judge me for the things I use it for?” So it should come as no surprise when many people thought virtual reality would be a knock out for sex when sex with anybody would be possible in theory.

Than people saw Demolition Man.

All cops in the future will look like this.

In the 1993 movie, there is a scene between Sylvester Stallone and Sandra Bullock in which they engage in the lamest sex scene of all time via virtual reality headsets. Bullock seems to get a kick out of it because it’s all she’s ever known but Stallone is confused and a little angry. That may not be a fair assessment however as all of Stallone’s characters always comes off as “a little angry” but the point stands.

It would be fine if it was replacing porn but in this scenario the VR replaces a willing participant making the device unnecessary. Why anybody would think this is an upgrade is a little too obsessed with technology, not to mention in Demolition Man the woman happens to be Sandra Bullock. Hell, I’m amazed Sylvester Stallone didn’t go all Rambo on the offices of whatever company made the VR sets when he was cheated out of sex with Bullock. His boner would have to be classified as a lethal weapon.

The movie gave people the impression that VR will never be real enough. They want VR sex to be as real as possible because they can’t get the real Anne Hathaway, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Sandra Bullock or whoever. VR is limited to simply being 3-D porn and having to slay the crotch dragon by yourself for any physical stimulation.

In remembrance of the slain crotch dragon. It was gracious in defeat.

Virtual reality can’t reproduce the “physical” aspect of sex no matter how hard they try. (Wait, something with electrodes. Yeah, electrodes attached to your junk! That might work. Don’t knock it till you tried it!) Besides, how physically real would you want it to be if you use the VR to fight alien ninja’s and take a katana to the midsection? How physically real would you want it to be when you are fighting a demon when it possesses you and turns you into the Crypt Keeper? How real do you want your creepy furry sex when you contract a rare disease that normally only rabbits get? It can’t be real enough for sex, but for other fantasies there is a limit to how real it should be.

Plan B, a hat made out of fantasies and the tears of children.

But I guess virtual reality’s offspring known as modern 3-D is good enough for most people. Nobody really cares about the fully submersive virtual reality anymore and the argument that VR sex would suck played a large part. Luckily, we have Japan’s booming sex robot market to fill the void of virtual sex. Sure, the robot is mostly a glorified blow up doll and sure, it’s cold, lifeless eyes will haunt your nightmares until you need years of therapy, but at least it’s physical. It’s worth it even when you go to the doctor to describe your urinating as a painful electric discharge. Just tell the doctor how awesome the sex with your robot girlfriend is and he or she will totally understand.

But as for the aforementioned Holodeck, it’s only a pipe dream right now. I’m not bitter (yes I am) and have come to accept this (no I haven’t).



Disclaimer: This article is satirical and not to be taken seriously. I do not own a Japanese robot girlfriend but can't help being a little curious.

Ramona is a character from Scott Pilgrim vs. The World. The film is owned by Universal. Demolition Man is owned by Warner Bros.

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