Monday, January 31, 2011

4 Reasons TLC is the Worst Channel on Television

There was a time when TLC, also known as The Learning Channel, was just a cheeky version of The Discovery Channel. But through this last decade, the term “learning” has taken on a very different meaning to the executives of this channel. They have turned learning into a variety of bizarre reality shows that have taken up the bulk of the schedule.

TLC may not be doing anything much different than any other channel by airing reality shows, but the types of shows it is airing makes me think TLC is the worst. Such as…

1. Cakes

At what point in time did “bakery” become a sub-genre of TV? Ace of Cakes and Cake Boss are horrible. Every story is based on if they will get the cake done in time and they always do. Why are the cakes so needlessly complicated? Are they paid by the icing?

What’s worse is that these shows have spawned a new species of bakery shows about cupcakes and they are spreading like Ebola after a frat party where somebody brought a monkey. There will soon be more cupcake shows than Law and Order spin offs. TV executives are more likely to make “Survivor: Mars” after they see “My Little Cupcake Shop in Cairo” can work.

There is hope though, as these shows are probably just a fad. Ace of Cakes is already cancelled. Others will probably follow after customers realize how stupid they are for buying $5,000 cakes and $35 cupcakes.

2. Sarah Palin’s Alaska

“I’m gonna shoot that moose through it’s shitty god-fearing eyes”

Why, why, why is this lady being given any media attention anymore? She is supposedly popular but I have never met anyone that likes her. Not one person. People under 30 hates her. Most women hate her. Certainly socialists hate her. Virtually all minorities hate her. The only people that like her are white males who get a boner for Jesus and, well, her. Yet she gets a TV show on TLC. Why?

Because she shoots animals in the face! That’s why motherfucker! And if you don’t like it, we will march down to Washington with our guns and our god and demand that society stop being so damn commie by golly. And if your on their side well then I think I’m going to have to shoot you in the face. God hates socialism but he never once said anything about killing his fellow man. Take it from Sarah, The half-term governor. She’s no quitter!

3. 19 and counting

Psalms 25:13 His soul shall dwell at ease; and his seed shall inherit the earth.

This show follows a family and their billion children go through every day life. One episode includes a trip to a Creation museum showing humans and dinosaurs living together. I knew these places existed but I didn’t think anybody actually visited them. It’s a pitiful display of human ignorance to believe in this. If Jim Bob (yeah, I know) and Michelle Duggar were Adam and Eve and their kids represent the future humans after the Garden of Eden, the wheel would look like an oval, spearheads would be made of leaves, and they would have killed themselves discovering fire.

To put this in perspective, I once met a person who asked me, “Why did we nuke the Japs? Wouldn’t that just create nuclear Japs?” After a pretty easy discussion, including why it’s not so cool to call them “Japs”, he learned he was a moron from his earlier statement. Yet, he is still smarter than these fucks because he changed his mind. Some people, no matter how many times you show them 1+1=2, will continue to think 1+1=3 and this family are those types of people.

I could go on some long tirade about creationism even though it’s been argued to death and it’s starting to hurt my brain more than a night binge drinking on mouthwash and paint thinner.

4. The Freak Show and Hoarders.

I’m not blaming the 4 different midget shows, the 600 lbs man, the skin deformity woman, or whatever. I’d take the easy money too.

But seriously. What the fuck is wrong with the head honchos of TLC? Do they go into meetings saying “Hey! How ‘bout we do a show about people infected with flesh eating bacteria and Chlamydia? It will be great. All the normal people will watch thinking ‘boy that sucks’ and we will profit from airing pharmaceutical commercials”. Who are these people? Why do they think it’s okay to air this freak show and act like it’s NOT a freak show? They claim they want to portray everybody as normal human beings. I’m calling bullshit because normal human beings are boring. It’s exploitative any way you look at it.

Don’t worry though, if your not freaky on the outside maybe your freaky in the head like an obsessive-compulsive hoarder. Hoarding: Buried Alive is about people who collect an obscene amount of crap. Or sometimes it’s people who don’t throw anything away. It’s good that these people are getting help but it’s through exploitative means.

Actually, I’m against this show more than any other. If I want to keep a collection of 4,567 dolls that I cooked in the microwave one at a time for 2 minutes than hung them from the ceiling, well that’s my right!

Check out part 2 here! Check out part 3 here!

Disclaimer: This column is satirical and not meant to be taken seriously. My maimed doll collection is to be taken seriously.

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Saturday, January 29, 2011

3 bands only white people like.

                                    3 bands only white people like.

             White People! You may know one or two, but do you really understand what makes them tick? For centuries man has known and understood that music is the language of the soul; it can cross both language and geographical barriers.  But, deep within the heart of white suburbia, we have the unique opportunity to try and understand what makes whitey’s pale Caucasian soul twist and awkwardly bounce. Whiteys musical taste varies from smooth jazz to speed metal. So, we have broken it down to groups, or what whitey refers to as “bands”.  Don’t be surprised that some of these bands have African American members in them; the Republican Party, after all, has Michael Steele in it. We have broken it down to three of the Honkeyest Honkeys to ever honky

black metal BBQ

First up we have any and all black metal bands. Black metal is a new uber-white subgenre of heavy metal, as if the original wasn’t white enough. It often uses fast tempos and shrieked vocals. The main musical difference between black metal and death metal is the vocals. Black metal sounds like beeker from the Muppets, where death metal sounds like cookie monster. Modern black metal hails from Sweden. Sweden is possibly one of the whitest countries ever.  It’s surrounded by its elite honkey brethren; wedged comfortably between Finland and Norway. That’s the geographical equivalent of blowing Jeff Foxworthy while getting fucked in the ass  by a cheese and mayonnaise sandwich.  An average black metal show looks like a sea of pasty white folks wearing black covered in fake blood. If you see a death metal show from a plane all you can make out is tiny white people covered in red and black. It looks like Germany in the 1930s. To this day not one Latino or African American person has ever been to a black metal show.

Only black person at a BNL show

Next up we have the barenaked ladies. The “BNL,” as they like to be called, come from the whitest part of the North America, Canada. Home of hockey and curling, two of the whitest things you can do with a stick. BNL are referred to as a novelty band like Al Yankavich(spelling check) or Tenacious D. They are a mix of live theater, comedy and classical guitars. Sure that sounds like a lot to stuff going on at once, but for these professional crackers, it’s a breeze. The hardest thing they have to deal with is the soul crushing whiteness that is BNL; they have to deal with that shit every fucking day of their lives! The fan base varies from middle and upper class girls all the way over to middle and upper class white gay males. I personally have never been to a BNL show. One of my African American friends, Mika, once had to go to a BNL concert with his girlfriend, who happened to be from an upper middle class white home. When he came back from the show he looked scared, I mean really fucking scared. I asked, “how was the show?” He looked down at me and proceeded to scream for 12 hours. After a 12 hour stent of horrified shrieks, he grabbed me by the collar and pulled me close to his face and whispered. “The whiteness….The whiteness...”


Hooty and the blow fish.  Ya that’s right Hooty and the fucking blow fish. I’m well aware that the singer is black. Most African Americans did not know Hooty was black until the band’s first video.  I’m actually very certain that Hooty doesn’t know he is black. Hooty is currently pursuing a solo career in what is referred to as “the honkeys wheel house,” also known as, country music. Not much is known about hooty and the blowfish. Legend has it they showed up at the University of Colorado in Boulder and started “jamming.” Then, out of nowhere, BAM!  Frat boys start sprouting pouka beads from their necks; everyone started growing sandals out the bottom of their feet. That’s when the shit got real…cargo shorts…fucking cargo shorts everywhere. What happens next is something that hasn’t been seen since the infamous beach boy concert in 1963. The crowd took the form of a giant white hot swirling sphere expanding and contacting, swirling faster and faster till it exploded. It is said that the explosion could be seen from space. The Russian cosmonauts described it as thousands of brilliant white stars falling to earth. It is believed that some of those white supernovas hit the earth and created Dave Mathews, Phish, Blues Traveler and Wilco; they would forever be known as the four white men. First time I heard this I thought, “Bullshit! The time line doesn’t add up. Dave mattews was formed before Hooty.” The explanation I got was the crowd spun so fast they ripped through the space time continuum.

Gays in the military

Now that the LGTBQ community can be open about their sexuality in the military, I ask you: “what will really change?”  Let’s start with recruiting. No longer will recruiters have to go to small or poor towns to prey on the hapless yokels.  They will be whisked away to fabulous locations like Key West or San Francisco. They don’t have to scour the local Wal-Mart anymore looking for the dullest the Midwest has to offer. Now they can drive their new rainbow hummers down to the sushi bar or gym.

Don’t worry; a lot of the old traditions will live on. You might be thinking, “I got my new buff recruits, now what do I do with them?”  You put those ladies in basic fucking training, where men are made!  The typical gay man will take to basic traing like a mustache to seamen.  Let’s go through the list. First, they get to work out three times a day with cardio in-between; or, what the gay community calls an average weekday.  The next part takes a page right out of the gay porn cookbook, our new recruits get emasculated by a butch older man all day.  All you need is the sergeant in leathers and a banana hammock; the recruits would be right at home.   Next, lets prance on over to weapons training; really, do I have to spell this one out? Ok, you twisted my cock. A gun is nothing but an extension of your fuck-stick.  First of all most gay men at one point in their lives have had some sort of extension strapped on to, or attached to their dongs. That’s one Point for team ass-to-mouth. Secondly, who do you think is more comfortable handling a long hard black shaft, Joe six- pack or Billy the runner up at pride fest?  So in a nutshell, firing a gun is the act of unloading hot stuff out of a fake cock into another guy’s face. Now, you’re probably getting a little mad, I’m not implying that all of our top snipers are gay, but one of the USA’s top snipers was Gunnery sergeant Carlos HathCOCK. He had an overbearing mother, a distant father, and he always dreamed of going to boot camp. He rocked a mustache and his nickname was “white death,” which just so happens to be the names of two “BBC 2 WB” gay porn’s and one gay porn star.
                                         Oh, and, I almost forgot, you get to bunk and shower with your new shaved down, ripped up friends: NO GIRLS ALLOWED!  They tried bunking the girls and the new gay recruits together; this failed horribly.  They stayed up all night braiding hair and telling the girls “You don’t need him.”  Finally, I have saved the best for last: hazing.  Hazing is a time honored tradition that goes back hundreds of years.  For those of you that don’t know what hazing is, it’s described as various rituals involving abuse, harassment or humiliation of a person as an initiation into a group. It’s origins are back in ancient Greek times.  I won’t get into it too much, but the Greeks used to haze the shit out of each other, literally. This is where the gay man excels. Most hazing consists of being tied up, crammed in small places and sodimized. Not in that order, but in my opinion, that’s the best order. After reading this, you are probably thinking “omg, boot camp is fucking boy’s town!” It’s a country club for the fierce and fabulous; and, you would be right. Most gay men have been training for boot camp for a good portion of their lives.

                                           That being said, America should have better trained solders cranked out at a faster rate. There should be a line to get into boot camp; I’m talking velvet ropes two huge black guys with sunglasses at the door holding a list that you are never on. We should have done this year ago. The USA in 5 years should have the largest and most well trained troops in the world. America can finally tell china to go fuck herself. China would be all “Where my money?” and The US would be all “fuck you bitch, ill scratch your cunt eyes out!” No other country would have the testicular fortitude to attack use for fear of having their cunt eyes scratched out. I don’t know about you but I would be fine with my freedoms being protected by legions of gay supermen. I can sleep soundly knowing my kids and I are safe from the bitches.