Don’t worry; a lot of the old traditions will live on. You might be thinking, “I got my new buff recruits, now what do I do with them?” You put those ladies in basic fucking training, where men are made! The typical gay man will take to basic traing like a mustache to seamen. Let’s go through the list. First, they get to work out three times a day with cardio in-between; or, what the gay community calls an average weekday. The next part takes a page right out of the gay porn cookbook, our new recruits get emasculated by a butch older man all day. All you need is the sergeant in leathers and a banana hammock; the recruits would be right at home. Next, lets prance on over to weapons training; really, do I have to spell this one out? Ok, you twisted my cock. A gun is nothing but an extension of your fuck-stick. First of all most gay men at one point in their lives have had some sort of extension strapped on to, or attached to their dongs. That’s one Point for team ass-to-mouth. Secondly, who do you think is more comfortable handling a long hard black shaft, Joe six- pack or Billy the runner up at pride fest? So in a nutshell, firing a gun is the act of unloading hot stuff out of a fake cock into another guy’s face. Now, you’re probably getting a little mad, I’m not implying that all of our top snipers are gay, but one of the USA’s top snipers was Gunnery sergeant Carlos HathCOCK. He had an overbearing mother, a distant father, and he always dreamed of going to boot camp. He rocked a mustache and his nickname was “white death,” which just so happens to be the names of two “BBC 2 WB” gay porn’s and one gay porn star.
Oh, and, I almost forgot, you get to bunk and shower with your new shaved down, ripped up friends: NO GIRLS ALLOWED! They tried bunking the girls and the new gay recruits together; this failed horribly. They stayed up all night braiding hair and telling the girls “You don’t need him.” Finally, I have saved the best for last: hazing. Hazing is a time honored tradition that goes back hundreds of years. For those of you that don’t know what hazing is, it’s described as various rituals involving abuse, harassment or humiliation of a person as an initiation into a group. It’s origins are back in ancient Greek times. I won’t get into it too much, but the Greeks used to haze the shit out of each other, literally. This is where the gay man excels. Most hazing consists of being tied up, crammed in small places and sodimized. Not in that order, but in my opinion, that’s the best order. After reading this, you are probably thinking “omg, boot camp is fucking boy’s town!” It’s a country club for the fierce and fabulous; and, you would be right. Most gay men have been training for boot camp for a good portion of their lives.
That being said, America should have better trained solders cranked out at a faster rate. There should be a line to get into boot camp; I’m talking velvet ropes two huge black guys with sunglasses at the door holding a list that you are never on. We should have done this year ago. The USA in 5 years should have the largest and most well trained troops in the world. America can finally tell china to go fuck herself. China would be all “Where my money?” and The US would be all “fuck you bitch, ill scratch your cunt eyes out!” No other country would have the testicular fortitude to attack use for fear of having their cunt eyes scratched out. I don’t know about you but I would be fine with my freedoms being protected by legions of gay supermen. I can sleep soundly knowing my kids and I are safe from the bitches.