Saturday, January 29, 2011

3 bands only white people like.

                                    3 bands only white people like.

             White People! You may know one or two, but do you really understand what makes them tick? For centuries man has known and understood that music is the language of the soul; it can cross both language and geographical barriers.  But, deep within the heart of white suburbia, we have the unique opportunity to try and understand what makes whitey’s pale Caucasian soul twist and awkwardly bounce. Whiteys musical taste varies from smooth jazz to speed metal. So, we have broken it down to groups, or what whitey refers to as “bands”.  Don’t be surprised that some of these bands have African American members in them; the Republican Party, after all, has Michael Steele in it. We have broken it down to three of the Honkeyest Honkeys to ever honky

black metal BBQ

First up we have any and all black metal bands. Black metal is a new uber-white subgenre of heavy metal, as if the original wasn’t white enough. It often uses fast tempos and shrieked vocals. The main musical difference between black metal and death metal is the vocals. Black metal sounds like beeker from the Muppets, where death metal sounds like cookie monster. Modern black metal hails from Sweden. Sweden is possibly one of the whitest countries ever.  It’s surrounded by its elite honkey brethren; wedged comfortably between Finland and Norway. That’s the geographical equivalent of blowing Jeff Foxworthy while getting fucked in the ass  by a cheese and mayonnaise sandwich.  An average black metal show looks like a sea of pasty white folks wearing black covered in fake blood. If you see a death metal show from a plane all you can make out is tiny white people covered in red and black. It looks like Germany in the 1930s. To this day not one Latino or African American person has ever been to a black metal show.

Only black person at a BNL show

Next up we have the barenaked ladies. The “BNL,” as they like to be called, come from the whitest part of the North America, Canada. Home of hockey and curling, two of the whitest things you can do with a stick. BNL are referred to as a novelty band like Al Yankavich(spelling check) or Tenacious D. They are a mix of live theater, comedy and classical guitars. Sure that sounds like a lot to stuff going on at once, but for these professional crackers, it’s a breeze. The hardest thing they have to deal with is the soul crushing whiteness that is BNL; they have to deal with that shit every fucking day of their lives! The fan base varies from middle and upper class girls all the way over to middle and upper class white gay males. I personally have never been to a BNL show. One of my African American friends, Mika, once had to go to a BNL concert with his girlfriend, who happened to be from an upper middle class white home. When he came back from the show he looked scared, I mean really fucking scared. I asked, “how was the show?” He looked down at me and proceeded to scream for 12 hours. After a 12 hour stent of horrified shrieks, he grabbed me by the collar and pulled me close to his face and whispered. “The whiteness….The whiteness...”


Hooty and the blow fish.  Ya that’s right Hooty and the fucking blow fish. I’m well aware that the singer is black. Most African Americans did not know Hooty was black until the band’s first video.  I’m actually very certain that Hooty doesn’t know he is black. Hooty is currently pursuing a solo career in what is referred to as “the honkeys wheel house,” also known as, country music. Not much is known about hooty and the blowfish. Legend has it they showed up at the University of Colorado in Boulder and started “jamming.” Then, out of nowhere, BAM!  Frat boys start sprouting pouka beads from their necks; everyone started growing sandals out the bottom of their feet. That’s when the shit got real…cargo shorts…fucking cargo shorts everywhere. What happens next is something that hasn’t been seen since the infamous beach boy concert in 1963. The crowd took the form of a giant white hot swirling sphere expanding and contacting, swirling faster and faster till it exploded. It is said that the explosion could be seen from space. The Russian cosmonauts described it as thousands of brilliant white stars falling to earth. It is believed that some of those white supernovas hit the earth and created Dave Mathews, Phish, Blues Traveler and Wilco; they would forever be known as the four white men. First time I heard this I thought, “Bullshit! The time line doesn’t add up. Dave mattews was formed before Hooty.” The explanation I got was the crowd spun so fast they ripped through the space time continuum.

No comments:

Post a Comment