To Do List Before the Rapture

As many of you already know, tomorrow is the Rapture. And since many of these kinds of predictions are never, ever, wrong, I have no time to spare for a day of sinning as hard as I can possibly sin.

Why sin? Well, some Christian denominations believe that if you convert and repent on your deathbed, that is enough to get yourself to Heaven. I plan to do that just before midnight tonight. You have to mean it though. Really sell yourself like a job interview. It worked for Joan of Arc.

Until then, here is my to do list today.

• Covet thy neighbors goods. I would have done this sooner but my neighbors own shitty things. Seriously, a Dynex TV? Buy those only if you like buying things that purposely break, forcing you to buy the warranty. "Dynex! A quality TV on your forth warranty. Maybe"

• Worship Zeus. I mean worship him like he's already out of style. He hasn't gotten much love recently. To do this properly though, I need 5 virgins, a goat, a ceremonial sword, and lots of wine. If I read my Ancient Greek texts correctly (they are in Greek. I don't read Greek), I need to slaughter the virgins and fuck the goat.

• Covet thy neighbors wife. Not looking forward to this. A hard life of pumping out seven children and drinking a case of Schlitz a day doesn't do good things to your figure. Plus, I think she has a new STD called HI-Chlamynorreia-Herpcrab-V.
  

• Try to knock out as many seven deadly sins as I can in one sitting. I'm going to go to the supermarket and buy ALL of the rotisserie chickens, envy their curves, bone them (heh), take pride in my grease covered body, eat them all as fast as I can, then get really angry at myself for being an unfit member of society. I would try to get sloth in there too but this seems like a lot of work.

• Man up and watch Tommy Wiseau's masterpiece, The Room. It's also known as the "Citizen Kane of bad movies". You might not think this is a sin but I am setting aside an extra 30 minutes of repenting just for this. Another 30 minutes is needed for the cold shower I need to take after seeing Tommy naked due to the worst sex scenes ever filmed until I filmed myself having sex with a goat for Zeus.
  

• Bear false witness by telling all my friends I've seen The Room before actually doing so. Wow, this commandment is lame and basically the same as lying. It's like they are padding the commandments to get to ten. That George Carlin. He was on to something.
  

• Go to my parents house and wreck the place. There are not many parents, other than having Andrew WK as your father, that would consider this an honor.

• Become a god myself! Or, an idol, according to the commandments. Damn. Kelly Clarkson is fucked.

• Much of the day will consist of me screaming "Goddamnit!" for no real reason. Taking the lords name in vain is rather easy. Maybe I should take it up a notch and yell it while staring into a vanity mirror. That's like, double the vain. If I hold a copy of Vanity Fair in my hand while doing so, it will be the Vainiest thing I could do.

Finally, I don't really need to forget to keep the Sabbath holy since I have been doing that all my life. Plus, the Rapture is before Sunday. However, if I'm not taken into heaven during the Rapture, I'm going to punch Jesus right in his second coming mouth. Can't get more sinful than starting a fist fight with God.


Disclaimer: This article is satirical. I'm not actually going to do any of this....today.

Follow me on Twitter in heaven. Contact me at jk47.foc@gmail.com

Patience Was a Virtue

There is no doubt in my mind that society has little patience for anything anymore. This has become more evident since my car broke down a few months ago. Since then I have been walking everywhere and it has given me perspective (granted, walking only takes me an hour to get to work/home). We complain more about waiting than politicians complain about taxes and the exorbitant prices their escorts make them pay.

Oh okay. Glad to see this sidewalk is up to code.

It’s easy to see why. Everything is instantaneous now thanks to the internet and other digital media. Want to watch a movie? Hop on to Netflix or check OnDemand to watch it now. No more going to Blockbuster and having some 16 year old prick make fun of you for renting that chick flick for your very real girlfriend. Want the new Black Eyed Peas album? Go to Itunes, Rhapsody, or the other 15 imitators to download it right now for either your secret guilty pleasure album or to show everybody you know you hate music. Pirates are cool so you could always go to a torrent site for whatever, at least until it is inevitably shut down by the man and they file a $20 million lawsuit for those 32 songs and 7 movies you downloaded.

I think our lack of waiting on the internet has us mentally making connections to waiting for anything. We want crap now, like a spoiled three year old crying for some ice cream while inside a Brakes Plus. You’re just going to have to wait for it. Besides, you don’t want car mechanics making your ice cream. That is not chocolate syrup on your Sunday.

If patience is a virtue than being the type of person who thinks “oh my god why does the old hag in front of me in line have to BUY ONE OF EVERY SCRATCH TICKET I AM GOING TO BE LATE TO MY TEE TIME!?” is an acceptable vice. They should probably take up a pot smoking vice to mellow out.

Well, if he endorses it...

The point is we don’t have to wait too long for much anymore but one thing that will never be instantaneous will be travel. There is no “digital travel” medium. And by “digital travel” I mean magic or cool science fiction stuff with robots involved somehow. The closest concept would be teleportation but that seems like a pipe dream. I don’t know why though. Breaking someone up into millions of atoms seems safe to me.

Putting the atoms back together can have undesirable results too

In my time walking to and from work, I have witnessed a car honking it’s horn at another car because it didn’t take off the instant a stop light turned green, a truck hop a curb to go around a traffic jam, and at least three drivers giving me dirty looks because I had the audacity to use a crosswalk, thus delaying their trip by 10 pathetic seconds. Yeah, those 10 seconds will really make a difference when they compensate for the delay by running 3 red lights.

Think about it. People waste more time on the toilet. Having to wait for a few minutes is not a big deal. Traffic jams are not worth getting upset about because there is nothing you can do about it and God obviously hates you for trying to make it to work on time. Or the traffic jam might be from the car accident ahead caused by somebody who was eating a sandwich while driving, coincidently, because they lacked the patience to eat it before getting in the car.

It’s not just travel either. Having to wait 2 extra minutes for your next beer at the bar is not worth getting upset about since it‘s your own damn fault for being a shitty tipper and undressing the bartender with your eyes. The very eyes typically described as, “a little date-rapey“. People hate waiting at the DMV? Well we could actually do something about that like raise taxes to pay for more people to work the service windows. Oh wait, taxes is the one thing people hate more than waiting. People hate taxes with the same fury as my colon after enchilada night.

I love you right now but in three hours, we shall duel.

So relax a little. Take your time and stop bitching so much. People just need a little perspective. You’ll be less angry. Besides, we all hate airports and that shit is the worst. Like seriously, what do they expect us to do otherwise? Drive there?


Disclaimer: This article is satirical and will you PLEASE STOP riding your brakes down the mountain! I have porn to catch up on at home.

Follow me on Twitter. Contact me at jk47.foc@gmail.com