As many of you already know, tomorrow is the Rapture. And since many of these kinds of predictions are never, ever, wrong, I have no time to spare for a day of sinning as hard as I can possibly sin.
Why sin? Well, some Christian denominations believe that if you convert and repent on your deathbed, that is enough to get yourself to Heaven. I plan to do that just before midnight tonight. You have to mean it though. Really sell yourself like a job interview. It worked for Joan of Arc.
Until then, here is my to do list today.
- Covet thy neighbors goods. I would have done this sooner but my neighbors own shitty things. Seriously, a Dynex TV? Buy those only if you like buying things that purposely break, forcing you to buy the warranty. "Dynex! A quality TV on your forth warranty. Maybe"
- Worship Zeus. I mean worship him like he's already out of style. He hasn't gotten much love recently. To do this properly though, I need 5 virgins, a goat, a ceremonial sword, and lots of wine. If I read my Ancient Greek texts correctly (they are in Greek. I don't read Greek), I need to slaughter the virgins and fuck the goat.
- Covet thy neighbors wife. Not looking forward to this. A hard life of pumping out seven children and drinking a case of Schlitz a day doesn't do good things to your figure. Plus, I think she has a new STD called HI-Chlamynorreia-Herpcrab-V.
- Try to knock out as many seven deadly sins as I can in one sitting. I'm going to go to the supermarket and buy ALL of the rotisserie chickens, envy their curves, bone them (heh), take pride in my grease covered body, eat them all as fast as I can, then get really angry at myself for being an unfit member of society. I would try to get sloth in there too but this seems like a lot of work.
- Man up and watch Tommy Wiseau's masterpiece, The Room. It's also known as the "Citizen Kane of bad movies". You might not think this is a sin but I am setting aside an extra 30 minutes of repenting just for this. Another 30 minutes is needed for the cold shower I need to take after seeing Tommy naked due to the worst sex scenes ever filmed until I filmed myself having sex with a goat for Zeus.
- Bear false witness by telling all my friends I've seen The Room before actually doing so. Wow, this commandment is lame and basically the same as lying. It's like they are padding the commandments to get to ten. That George Carlin. He was on to something.
- Go to my parents house and wreck the place. There are not many parents, other than having Andrew WK as your father, that would consider this an honor.
- Become a god myself! Or, an idol, according to the commandments. Damn. Kelly Clarkson is fucked.
- Much of the day will consist of me screaming "Goddamnit!" for no real reason. Taking the lords name in vain is rather easy. Maybe I should take it up a notch and yell it while staring into a vanity mirror. That's like, double the vain. If I hold a copy of Vanity Fair in my hand while doing so, it will be the Vainiest thing I could do.
Disclaimer: This article is satirical. I'm not actually going to do any of this....today.
Follow me on Twitter in heaven. Contact me at email@example.com